i dont wanna work

so, finals are over. =]

they weren't too bad actually.

the only ones that stressed me out were geometry and science.

but i just checked my grades online and i think i got A's on all of them. hopefully yeah.

but what this post is really about how nonexistent my social life is. aah. ive got things i want to do, like bowling, sledding, just plain old hanging out with kids, and people i want to do these things with too. ive got a lot of friends really, but no one seems to have the time for me, no one really wants to hang out ever. luckily ive got stuff to do this weekend because there's a basketball game and sam's kinda having a party thing afterwards [i think ill be the only girl there haha], plus soccer on sunday and zach, taylor, caleb, and other kids are going to be there, so ill have fun. 

but on a normal weekend i dont have anything to do. like i go shopping with my mom, and occasionally there's a basketball game or i'll hang out with someone, but never on a regular basis. it kinda sucks =/ but, whatever. its just something i'll have to work on.

saint john [haha, yeah right]

so, some big shit has been going down. 

i mean, not really. 

but you could say that.

actually winter break is pretty boring. 

my mom and i did christmas just the two of us because my dad was in florida. it really bothered her, but i was really cool with it because we just chilled and had fun without him. it was good. i dont usually like christmas but this year was pretty nice. =]

im not really supposed to talk about this, but im kind of falling in love with zachs brother. maybe? yeah. thats weird for me to say, but im thinking its true. like, hes perfect. simple as that. ive heard that he's not, really. that hes going to hurt me because hes a player and a real douchebag. and i can see where girls have gotten that. but im taking a chance, and so far its paying off. =] its a little weird because i used to see him as like my big brother haha, but now its so much more than that. really. like, i love this kid. but he wants me to keep it a secret. and its kind of nice, but it hurts a little, i want to share this with everyone. but ultimately i can see the reasons for that, no one at school is going to understand and because hes 18 its not such a good idea, and his parents are pretty crazy, and really its not like we're dating or anything, he's not even my boyfriend. its different than that, and i know its not going to last forever, but thats kinda what i like about it.

so, thats that. idk if it made any sense. i just had to get that all out.

ive watched a shit load of movies over the break. i love movies a lot.

i got a new phone for christmas and i honestly didn't like it at first, but i do now. its really kind of nice. there's a couple things about it that bother me but ill get over it. its a good phone.

so, i think thats it. maybe ill edit this later as i remember whats been going down.

i want the whole meal not just the side dish

damn. facebook is really addicting. i got one like friday and i haven't been able to stay away.

it snowed really nicely today, and everyone's like 'aah i hope they close school tomorrow' but i know they won't because we were just off for thanksgiving and the snow isn't even that bad.

im doing this run/walk thing on saturday with student leadership council and it just so happened to be on the same day my family was going with some other people to get our church christmas tree. this really sucks because i was going to ask zach if he wanted to come with and we could be all cold and have to snuggle together to get warm ;] but now i can't because of this dumb run =[ plus taylor's going to be running with stewart and his dog so i won't be able to hang out with her and holly didn't get her form in on time so she might not even be there. if im lucky zachs brother aaron [whos like my big brother too] or marcus will be there. idk, we'll see what happens

you were screaming something about how you hated the winter

so i havent posted much lately about anything other than introspective things because they're all just so confusing.

like, really. im tired of not being able to say what i feel or just talk to people comfortably w/out being pressured to say [or not say] the right things. i just want to not think so much about things and do whatever comes to mind. when i think so much, i don't take so many chances and consequently my list of regrets just grows.

its like i've got these sides, 

they've always been there, im sure everyone's got them, really. 

there's this talkative, outgoing, and a little obnoxiously emotional kid who rushes into things without thinking and sometimes looks like a fool but always has fun doing it, there's this really shy and cautious kid who analyzes every move people make and doesn't take chances and always regrets them, and there's also this really cool kid who is thoughtful and casually confident and witty and just really cool, but is hiding under layers of nerdiness and uncertainty. at the beginning of the year all of these kids were one perfectly blended person all the time, but now im noticing distinct changes in the way i act around certain people and in certain places and i really don't like it. i really don't like how much it takes out of me and how unreal it all feels. it sucks, and im trying not to think about it, but the thought is there, constantly tugging at my brain like a child who wants a candy bar from his mother.

idk. i guess this post isn't really doing anything for the whole 'not thinking about it' thing, but its just so hard. =/

'a lot of wow factor'

so, i've kinda been holding this in, and i just don't think i can anymore.

today i made a mistake.

i wore flip flops on todays field trip,

when my mom specifically told me not to.

i guess i told her i wouldn't, and i just changed my mind at the last second and threw some on before walking out the door. my dad didn't know or didn't care or something, so he mentioned something about it in casual conversation and my mom was, needless to say, unhappy. she made me put all my flip flops away for the winter. 

im totally fucked.

like, i hate wearing shoes. i really love shoes, but just not wearing them. i have a really hard time keeping them on all day and tbh all the ones i have just make my feet look big because they are. all my shoes are really, like idk, i want to wear them (some of them) but they just don't look good. 

so this has kinda made me think about who i am. idk if i know who i am atm. i think im where i want to be, but there's a lot of other things i want and a lot of things i don't really know about, like if im doing them for me or if im doing them for everyone else. 

i guess this isn't really that big of a deal, it just feels like it is, you know? im just really confused right now. >.<

you're my favorite kind of creepy.

so yesterday was the concert. it was better than i expected it to be, even though i wasn't quite sure what i expected. we hadn't been to the venue before and i'd heard a lot of bad things about it, but it turned out to be really really great.

we almost got lost on the way there, and i was freaking out because i didn't think we'd get there early enough to get a good spot in line, but it turned out to be great because there wasn't really a line at all and we somehow made our way into the smaller group of people that got to go in first and we didn't even wait more than ten minutes. 

we got a great spot for the first band, sing it loud. after waiting for what was probably less than an hour they came on and i did not enjoy the fact that i hadn't memorized all the words to their songs yet and felt like a nerd. but i really liked the show they put on. they seemed like pros and got the crowd really involved and were having so much fun on stage. i just loved watching the looks on their faces and their dancing and everything. after their set, we moved back a little in the crowd to get out of the really intense section and met these really great kids. they were the loud obnoxious ones that were doing all the pushing and moshing [which was really funny because how could you mosh to sing it loud and ftsk?]. one had a mohawk [evan] and the other one looked kinda like perez hilton and had a lot of buttons [i think his name was jake], then there was this other really enthusiastic kid who had a hat on and these two guys who i thought were twins because they looked exactly alike. they made me realize that its not fun when you're being pushed around, but when you're doing the pushing its so much more fun. i felt a little mean being part of the moshpit, remembering the ap tour and how horrible it got because of that group of kids behind us who would not stop being dumb, but it was extremely fun, which is all that matters. 

i kindof enjoyed hit the lights, but they had their vocals up way to loud and it was hard to understand them. they weren't as interesting or fun as sing it loud, but i knew more of the words to their songs and i do like their music. im pretty sure that it was during their set that our friends moshed the most. i remember there was this girl behind me who had braced her arms against my back, so every time someone pushed into me, i would run into her arms and it kinda hurt a lot. during the time in between hit the lights and forever the sickest kids, jake and evan were like, we need to lift someone now, who wants to be lifted? and i was like, fuck yes me please. they got me up on their shoulders [which i must admit was awkward because evan is a lot taller than jake] and i was happy because just then they played chokechain by 3OH!3 and i did the hand symbol and everyone else in the crowd saw me and did it along with me. the security has pretty strict rules about that thing, and they hit me with their flashlights pretty quick, but i still enjoyed it.

then forever the sickest kids came on and i was incredibly excited. i cant even describe how much i love them. it was great to hear how excited everyone else was for them, too. because at the ap tour i felt like i was the only kid in the crowd who was there to see them. but during their first song, im pretty sure it was catastrophe, i think someone hit my face and my glasses went flying. i was scared out of my mind, but we got everyone to clear a circle really fast and get out their phones for light and evan miraculously found them completely unscathed. like, they weren't bent or scratched or anything. he pretty much saved my life, that boy. i enjoyed ftsk so much though. jonathan had an adorable headband on and kept doing this thing with his mic stand and austin kept making hilarious faces/noises and kyle's hair was amazing. jonathan told us about their campaign to buy a well for a tribe in africa. they are the coolest kids on the block, no syke. 

after the kids were done, they were like 'we're gonna be hanging out at our merch table between our set and the cobras, so come see us and we'll chat'. we went to buy merch and talk to them, but i guess we didn't look hard enough, but we couldn't find them and wanted to get a good spot to see cobra starship so we just went back. we met the really enthusiastic kid in the hat and he led me and ashley through the crowd to evan and jake. sometime during cobras set we lost them though. i absolutely loved watching cobra starship. gabe was probably the coolest guy on earth, and i just, i dont know, but i really really enjoyed everything he did. from his dancing and his outfit to his interaction with vicky and him making ryland shake his ass for us. they just work so well together and have so much fun. i love that about them. at one point gabe pointed out our friend with the mohawk and told a story about how kids used to be really stereotypical and only hung out with kids who looked exactly like them and the kids who had mohawks didn't hang out with the kids like him for wearing this one brand of sweatshirt and he really liked us for being accepting of each other and a whole bunch of other stuff. during snakes on a plane they brought this guy on stage to rap travis' verse and talked about how he was a child molester. after they were done and the crowd was chanting for one more song, ryland came back out and took us to 'pleasure ryland', and they played another song about pleasure [guilty pleasure] and gabe told us to never be afraid to shake our asses and ryland called him his 'favorite kind of creepy'. which i liked a lot.

it was a really good time. im going to have to go back to that venue more often because it was really great. =]

words are just words, and you're just drunk

so yesterday was homecoming. aah it was great! 

the actual dance wasn't as cool as i expected it to be, tbh, but the company was great. =]

so early in the day i went to the mall with my mom for her fashion show. yeah, i know. it was for that store christopher and banks. she's kind of a regular customer and is friends with a bunch of the employees so when they announced that their store was having a little fashion show with customers as models, she was one of the first people they asked. she was really nervous for it but i think she had fun, it was a really nice little confidence boost for her. =]

after that, we picked up taylor and went back home to get ready for the dance. she took a million years curling her hair, but it was okay because she curled mine too. she ended up dropping her necklace down our sink, which was too bad. we've been trying to get it out, but we haven't yet. i think we're calling some plumber guy tomorrow, i know we'll get it out eventually. anyway, she pressured me into calling zach and keegan to ask them if they wanted to meet at pizza hut, which im so glad i did because the night would've been so boring without them. 

we met at pizza hut at 7, and zach was late like he always is. his sister came in and took pictures of us. it took us a long time to get our food and there were a couple kids there that we knew and talked to for a while. at first it was a little awkward because we were in dressy clothes and a new situation and stuff, but once we got our food and started joking around it was a lot of fun. the meal was like forty five bucks, which keegan offered to pay but i was like no way and we all payed for our own share. 

at this point it was like past eight o clock, but we didn't feel like going to the dance yet, so we went to zach's house and hung out for a while. we played pool [i lost horribly to keegan] and a little rock band before his parents kinda kicked us out. they drove us the couple hundred yards to the school in the really snazzy van they have. taylors friend ashley with the fake blue contacts was really upset that we weren't there on time, because apparently she doesn't have any other friends and was standing on the wall by herself for an hour. it took a while for the dance to actually be fun, but once we started dancing it wasn't bad. i didn't wear my glasses and a lot of people noticed. they said i looked nice, which made me really happy. =] zach's completely gorgeous brother aaron [who ended up being the homecoming prince] kinda danced really close to me a few times, which i was totally okay with haha. other than that, grinding is pretty gross, tbh. apparently thats the only way girls know how to dance. i loved watching the guys dance because they have so much fun no matter what they do, but all girls seem to want to do is whore it up with each other. i thought the decorations were pretty lame and the music could have been better, but all in all it was a fun time.

after the dance and hugs goodbye and pictures taken, me, taylor, keegan and zach walked back to zach's house. my heels were sinking into the grass so zach carried me a little. when we got there, we played some more rock band. i completely failed at the singing because i didn't know the song at all, but i completely owned at the bass and the drums. on easy. after that, some of zach's brother's senior friends came over and we went upstairs to play the wii. i did really good at bowling until zach started tickling me. but ahaha i was totally fine with it. my mom came to pick us up at like 12:30 before we finished the game and i was completely retarded and didn't realize that would've been the perfect time to hug zach. but w/e, i still had a lot of fun. taylor borrowed my mom's necklace, my sweatshirt, a clip and a couple other things she forgot to give back to me.

today i slept until like one in the afternoon, and then we went to a concert for the local symphony orchestra because one of my dads friends, who's probably the coolest guy ever, was the featured piano player. it was a very good concert, but it lasted like three hours and it was really hard not to fall asleep. after that we went to our favorite chinese restaurant with this guys family like we do on holidays and special occasions. i texted zach pretty much the whole time, which i need to stop doing because i used a whole lot of minutes that i don't really have. [good thing i bought some more with my bday money or id be in deep shit because im not supposed to text at all and i used more than half my money in a week.] me and zach talked about a lot of things and i guess we're hanging out on halloween. don't worry ashley, you can come too =]

so that was my weekend. i had a really good time. 

im going to go to sleep now so i can wake up so i can have energy tomorrow

sorry you have to hear this again ashley

so this morning, zachary was late to drumline practice. when i asked him why, he told me this story.

"oh yeah, im not very good at doing things on time. so i woke up and took a shower, put on some plaid shorts and tripped and fell over in my bedroom. i took like a thirty minute nap on my floor. it was actually pretty nice."

i dont think ive made any posts about this kid yet. idk how to describe him other than ugh. i have the biggest crush ive ever had on anyone in my life. i don't even think thats an exaggeration. the crazy thing is though, i also kinda have a crush on his brother, which is dumb but unfortunately true. they're almost the same person really. its just that zach is my age and doesn't have add.

im pretty sure he likes me too. i catch him looking at me constantly, and he didn't deny it when my friend accused him of being in love with me today, haha. idk, you never know for sure. his mom works with my mom and she's told her stories about how last year apparently girls never left him alone, so im trying to take things slow and develop a good friendship before rushing into a relationship or something without forming some kind of bond to fall back on. because i hate awkwardness. [who doesn't?]

so im going to stop now, before i get carried away.

i wish i didn't talk/think about this kid so much.

california sunshine, tennessee rain

so, sunday was my birthday.

im fifteen. =]

and, im going to kinda copy chad sugg.

by making 15 resolutions for the next year.

1. kiss that dumb boy.

2. play a lot more piano.

3. finish learning how to play the guitar.

4. try out for next year's musical!

5. join a few more clubs [human relations, science club, maybe vic tutoring]

6. god, please finish writing a story.

7. buy a new belt. don't stop wearing the old one, just get a new one.

8. take a fucking art class.

9. go to warped tour.

10. become passionate about something.

11. lighten up about some things

12. and get serious about others.

13. get a facebook. maybe.

14. never talk to lonnie again.

15. write a song [more than just a melody and some lyrics. a song.]

okay so for my birthday i got a laptop, and my dad used his educator status to get a free ipod touch. so :D im pretty excited. also today i bought a shirt off the internet and we finally ordered the concert tickets!! aah cobra starship, forever the sickest kids, hit the lights and sing it loud! its crazy how excited i am.

so i guess that's it. i've had a whole lot of homework so i haven't been on much, but im trying. =]

baby we belong alone

oh man i am not feeling good today.
my ears hurt and feel really full, and
that whole area that connects your ears to your throat and
my lymph nodes and that area under the jaw hurt and
my nose is runny/stuffy and
my throat is scratchy.
and it really sucks.

i think its because of the game on friday.
i had a whole lot of fun and it even inspired
the first story i've written from start to finish in a day =]
about me and the kid im totally crushing on atm, haha.
its not as dumb as it sounds, i promise.
but it rained the whole time and i was yelling a lot
and i think that's what caused it.
but idk, ill go to the doctor
if its not better by tuesday.

but anyway,
allie called me and was like,
'want to go to my house for lunch tomorrow?'
she was going to make me the type of lunch she eats
all vegetarian and all natural and everything
because she lives like a few blocks from school.
and my parents asked, 'oh what did allie call about?'
and they were not for it at all.
so idk what ill do.
because my dad actually supervises my lunch hour,
so its not like i can just leave, he'll probably be watching me.
this is one of the times that the whole
'parents working at school' thing
sucks ass.
damn.

my feet are moving, but im going nowhere

i've been able to think of nothing but this for the past few days.

i wish i could control my heart.
to be perfectly honest, i have intense crushes on like five different people atm.
[im not going to name any of them just in case any of my rl friends happen to read this, but don't worry ashley, connor is not one of them, even though he's probably the most adorable kid ever, haha]
i guess what i said in my last entry about 'figuring out who i want to pursue to date' isn't really what i wanted to say. i just wish i could control my feelings stop falling for every kid i meet and maybe concentrate on one person? im not sure. i just really really like all these kids and all i can do is plan out how things could possibly go with each of them in my mind. im not ready to risk losing any of them as friends if i alienate them by showing an interest in one specifically. plus there's other factors that im not really willing to share with anyone yet because i dont know what the repercussions may be. ugh, this is so fucking frustrating.
i need to stop thinking about it so much. what i need to do is just concentrate on school and try not to do anything about this dumb situation; if something is meant to be, it will show itself right? that's how everything else has managed to turn out so great in my life, tbh. something has happened to distract me from all the shit i worry about, and i revert back to who i really am and things work out great.
its just, i've never had any real relationships. i mean, yeah im not even fifteen [two weeks!], i shouldn't be worried about love or anything. but, like i said, im almost fifteen and haven't fucking been kissed yet because i didn't take the chance and im kinda holding out for it at this point. im not good at taking risks and taking chances, and im really good at regrets.
so, i need to fix that.

i also kinda need to fix my view on reality.
im a really perceptive person, and i feel like ive got superpowers sometimes because i can see straight through most people [except that fucking dumb amazing kid aaron] and i feel like i know the reasons why they do things the way they do and how they see things and idk, im not into conflicts because i know that every person, including myself obviously, has some really great things about them and some really shitty things about them and being mad at them won't fix the shitty parts. i don't want it to seem like im saying that im the smartest kid ever or im right all the time or anything because its not that big of a deal and it happens to everyone at one point or another...
anyway, this whole thing kinda leaves me stuck between how things are in real life and what should be fair for everyone, how things should be, you know?
it kinda stresses me out because i like to fix things. i want to do things to make everyone feel the way they should, to make the right things happen to the right kids and i dont care what happens to me because all that matters is the fact that everyone else is okay and i can deal with whatever comes along.
but then there's reality and the fact that im really a selfish person sometimes and im not too good at stepping outside of my comfort zone for long periods of time. and there's the fact that i can't fix things for everyone because some things cant be fixed by just a hug and a promise to listen and advice from a young kid like me who has constantly changing interests [and uses too many words and run on sentences >.<].
its kinda hard.
but its not really a big deal in the end, because at this point i pretty much live my life on a day-by-day basis and i don't think i need to worry about fixing the world's problems at this time in my life no matter how much i want to.

saw you fake it

i really really think that someone should buy me this for my birthday. im not sure what i would want it to be about, but since max is my ~hero and everything, i cant describe how much this would mean to me.

my sweatshirt smells like campfire, but not the nice kind. we decided to have a camprife to kindof celebrate the end of summer. it wasn't as exciting as it sounds. i love fires, but not ones with just my parents and in my backyard. it didn't smell nice either. =/

clothess

so we went shopping in madison today.
im so so happy about everything i got. first i went to h&m and got this kickass purple sweatshirt that just screamed gabe saporta!
i couldn't resist. and i like it a whole lot. i'll prolly wear it every day for the rest of my life.
i also got a green and purple striped long sleeve shirt that is mostly green and a whitish/grey scarf that i absolutely love to death.
again there were some great red skinny jeans that were the right size, and the right color this time, but i didn't get them because idk, i dont think i'd have anything to wear them with. maybe i should get some bright blue or green ones. idk.
then we went to zumiez [probably my new favorite store of all time] and finally bought the fucking shoes. they absolutely made my life. omg. when i asked the girl, they just so happened to have my size, and she pointed out that they just so happened to match what i was wearing perfectly, and a girl had just so happened to buy them right before me and was all, 'omg you have to get them, they are super comfortable and i love them a lot.' so i was like, fuck it, these are mine.
i also got the glamour kills shake shimmy etc shirt and i didn't buy this shirt and an even better scarf, but i wanted them really badly. my mom ran into an old friend of hers and they talked for a super long time while i decided whether or not to get the shoes and talked a lot with the employees. idk what it is, but i usually get really reserved and quiet when employees talk to me, but they were just the coolest people ever. the girl i talked to the most was so adorable. she acted like we were best friends and i just wanted to put her in my pocket and keep her forever. haha i know, thats a dumb metaphor, but its exactly what i wanted to do, and she was so small i probably could've. then there was this other girl who was a total diva, but she was still pretty cool, and this guy who was sweet and funny. aaah they were awesome.
then, idk, we did a lot of other shopping for my mom and stuff, but i was okay because i just bought the shoes ive wanted since forever. they look pretty great, too. =]

so yeah, im pretty excited about life right now. im just deciding what to wear to chi-town tomorrow. i don't want to over do it, haha. me and ashley are going with my church youth group to the shedd aquarium and to the navy pier. its going to be awesome. =]

batman

so today i went shopping for school supplies and was overcome with the intense desire for batman. everything batman. well, im not dumb, so that didn't happen, haha. but i did buy a poster for the dark knight. you know, the one w/the joker and the 'why so serious?' in blood that scared me back in january. then i got home and put it up and was like OMG I HAVE A BATMAN CAPE NO SHIT. and i wore it for the rest of the day. except for when we went grocery shopping, when i bought some spongebob stickers and batman fruit snacks and pistachio muffins and pokemon macaroni and cheese [i've been looking for a box that hat turtwig shaped noodles because he's my favorite pokemon and i finally found them!!]. and there were flyers for six flags, [which im hopefully going to for fright fest w/ashley! one of my camp counselors works there and i want to see her super bad.] and i remembered that batman is my favorite roller coaster on earth. honestly, even if it wasn't batman themed, it would be my favorite. i would like it if it was care bear themed. i dont care. it rocks my world. so, yeah. that totally fueled my batman love for today.
but, yeah. i really really want to see the dark knight again. idk why really, but i cant wait six months until it comes out on video to see it again. it was so good.

and aww, i watched a knights tale on tbs yesterday at like 1am and ngh i just love heath ledger so much. =[ not only because he was crazy adorable, he was also a really really great actor [haha, like thats even, you know, ~relevant]. i was thinking about all the movies ive seen him in, and i cant believe how diverse his roles were. i like to think that i'll do real acting when i get older and, idk how to say this without being cheesy and cliche but, i think his death really opened my eyes to how hard, how demanding acting really is and he, along with others, really inspred me to consider pusuing it.
idk. i didnt mean that to be so serious, it was kindof just a fleeting thought, but its something to think about.

oh

and one more thing. jonathan jacob walker pretty much the best person in this galaxy.

05.17.2007 - The moon is our pocket watch.
Behold, the forest is blooming. The new summer is approaching us. The water is warm, the air is crisp and the apples are fresh (and crisp as well). Three of me best mates and I are currently working on our new album in the far west regions of New America. I have the whiskey, one has new shoes, one has the moustache and one has the blues. I might have lost my mind but I have found my soul. You might have heard our songs but you haven’t heard our goals, world domination, beginning with the north and moving down along the map. Wait steadily, as you would on Christmas morning. Presents will come and breakfast is the best. If you understand this message then you figured out my phone number. Call me, we will make a plan.
- Jonathan Jacob Walker - 09.17.1985

ive probably tried ten billion times to figure it out and ive failed consistently.
it bums me out. a lot.

lonely

so, ashley's gone to milwaukee for the state fair all week. and im pretty bummed about it, even though we've been texting good night and good morning and have a fun shower to each other.
we had vacation bible school this week at my church, and i helped out because i absolutely love kids. i had so much fun. every day id be like 'who wants to sit by me!?!?' at dinner and stuff and on monday all i got was crickets, haha. but after i talked to the kids and made friends w/them a million hands raised for the rest of the week. they loved me a lot. my group was really adorable and we had lots of group hugs. there were seven kids and we never had a consistent adult to help us so i was their only official leader. yesterday i only had three kids so we kinda bonded even more. it was pretty awesome tbqh.
but those two things leave me pretty lonely today.
im going to lunch w/tai and her sister in like an hour so im excited for that, but it doesn't really solve my problem cause i talk to tai all the time. haha. i have a super hard time talking on the phone and over the internet, guys. i get super self conscious and idk why. but this girl for some reason is the only person other than my parents who i feel comfortable talking to over the phone. so ive talked to her like everyday this week and she's saved me a little.

but the point of this entry is that idk why, but no matter how many people are around me or how much fun im having i feel super lonely inside.
like, im not depressed or anything. i know that. but im just not really super close to anyone and it makes me pretty sad. i dont have anyone in my life that i feel free sharing absolutely everything with. im a big secret keeper. even w/my mom, who is probably the person im closest to. i cant tell her everything. all my feelings, all my desires, all my needs, hopes, and dreams because she's crazy judgemental and i dont think she understands me very well.
i guess i don't have anything to complain about because i know people who've got straight out shitty lives, you know? my life is great, really, i don't have any problems at all and i feel so selfish when i talk about the things that aren't quite right.
but i know that its not good to keep them in. so all ive got to say is that i wish i had someone to be really open with. someone who i could hold close and tell everything to. someone who would tell me everything about themselves. we would solve problems together and idk. i wish i was close to someone physically, too. just casually, you know? nothing serious or demanding, but closeness, in every way.
i guess thats it. =]