we're gonna have us a champagne jam

so i think im going to lose my mind about this fucking cobra/ftsk and friends tour. my dad's being all ~noncomittal about it, and idk if ashley's mom can take us and i have zero friends who can drive to milwaukee [and who my parents would trust. ahaha i bet aaron eicher would take me if i asked nicely!] ugh, i wish justin lived close enough to take us. because one, he would totally take us, and two, his town only has a walmart and i think he really needs to get out of there if he wants to go anywhere with his music. im just really hoping that all this holdup won't be for much longer and i'll get tickets because im so scared that it'll sell out! aah!!
allie asked me if i wanted to go see metro station with her in november, and omg i would love that so much, but idk, i still really want to see all time low and the academy is and my parents are really against concerts, especially in milwaukee and chicago of course. plus idk if allie still smokes and i hope she knows im not into that kind of thing.

i shouldn't be freaking out about this kind of thing, but i don't want to miss out on all the fun while im still a kid. i mean, ive heard so much from older people that 'high school was the best time of my life', 'man i wish i was that young again, i got into so much shit' etc, and i want to take advantage of this as much as i can. i know how fast the time passes, and if i can't slow it down i guess i've got to just buckle up for the ride, you know?

which brings me to the topic of how much i am enjoying school, now that it's started again. i'm already lacking on sleep, and no matter how much breakfast i eat, im deathly hungry by second hour and its incredibly hard to find a place to sit at lunch and im a little scared about all the work this is going to be, and im kinda caught in this crazy predicament of who i want to pursue to date [omg this is an interesting story that i don't plan on telling, sorry, maybe some other time] but i've managed to have so much fun already in the first three days of school that i cant even describe it. it's scary but really great.

also; chiodos makes me smile. so does sky eats airplane. a lot.

lonely

so, ashley's gone to milwaukee for the state fair all week. and im pretty bummed about it, even though we've been texting good night and good morning and have a fun shower to each other.
we had vacation bible school this week at my church, and i helped out because i absolutely love kids. i had so much fun. every day id be like 'who wants to sit by me!?!?' at dinner and stuff and on monday all i got was crickets, haha. but after i talked to the kids and made friends w/them a million hands raised for the rest of the week. they loved me a lot. my group was really adorable and we had lots of group hugs. there were seven kids and we never had a consistent adult to help us so i was their only official leader. yesterday i only had three kids so we kinda bonded even more. it was pretty awesome tbqh.
but those two things leave me pretty lonely today.
im going to lunch w/tai and her sister in like an hour so im excited for that, but it doesn't really solve my problem cause i talk to tai all the time. haha. i have a super hard time talking on the phone and over the internet, guys. i get super self conscious and idk why. but this girl for some reason is the only person other than my parents who i feel comfortable talking to over the phone. so ive talked to her like everyday this week and she's saved me a little.

but the point of this entry is that idk why, but no matter how many people are around me or how much fun im having i feel super lonely inside.
like, im not depressed or anything. i know that. but im just not really super close to anyone and it makes me pretty sad. i dont have anyone in my life that i feel free sharing absolutely everything with. im a big secret keeper. even w/my mom, who is probably the person im closest to. i cant tell her everything. all my feelings, all my desires, all my needs, hopes, and dreams because she's crazy judgemental and i dont think she understands me very well.
i guess i don't have anything to complain about because i know people who've got straight out shitty lives, you know? my life is great, really, i don't have any problems at all and i feel so selfish when i talk about the things that aren't quite right.
but i know that its not good to keep them in. so all ive got to say is that i wish i had someone to be really open with. someone who i could hold close and tell everything to. someone who would tell me everything about themselves. we would solve problems together and idk. i wish i was close to someone physically, too. just casually, you know? nothing serious or demanding, but closeness, in every way.
i guess thats it. =]

so

today i painted some sets with my mom and mrs. schrank, sorta. we primed some wood, not a big deal. it only took a few hours. but after we were done, we had this cool little discussion about my mom's life, about mrs. schrank's life, about children, about my life, about a lot of people's lives, about integrity, about relationships, about a lot of other things. it was pretty great. i've never liked this lady too much, and she interrupted my mom a lot, but its okay because she shared a lot of her life with us and i have more respect for her now. i realized that all people are inherently good, some are just troubled and dont know how to show it. i also learned a few things about myself that weren't really important but nice to know.

idk, i love discussing things. its a pretty natural thing for me to tell people what i think. even if i don't really know what im trying to say, even if i want to hold it from them, even if they wont like it or they'll disrespect me or think im dumb for it, i want everyone to understand how i feel. i'll find a way to let them know. however, i guess i dont really have a lot of strong opinions on big issues. i have a lot of thoughts, but never any final descisions.
and thats just how it is.

=]

tomorrow is my toe surgery.
i dont wanna say im scared because its not a real surgery or anything.
its fucking toenail surgery. who cares.
plus ive pretty much done it before.
but im still pretty freaked out about it.
yeah, you could say im scared.
because surgery is fucking terrifying.

wish me luck, =/


[editt; happy bday ray toro! i actually remembered]

movies

today i saw the love guru with my cousin. i wasnt too excited about it because idk, it just didn't seem like it would be that good. it ended up being okay though. the best part about it was kanye west's appearance, fo sho. 'omg! i love hockey!' anyway, it wasn't too bad. the difference between me and my cousin is that she laughed at all the funny jokes and really didnt catch many of the sex jokes, while i didn't really laugh at any of the funny jokes but i cought all the subtle stuff. i guess that makes me a real pervert, huh? haha.

i also saw wall-e this weekend. it was incredible! i cried a lot, it was so great. but then again, i cry at every movie i see. i cried watching a fucking pokemon movie last week. ugh. everyone needs to see that movie though. i dont know how to describe it without giving anything away, but it was amazingg. =]

ive been talking about this for a while now but i still cant wait for hancock!! it comes out tomorrow and i am so excited i cant stand it. will smith is my favorite actor by far and i know this movie is going to be great. i'll probably cry.

ill stop here because ive got to sleep so i can wake up early for my hair appointment tomorrow. i think im just getting a trim and maybe some richer brown lowlights or something. idk.

fishing buddies/fake marriage

so, i rented brokeback mountain the other day, because i realized that i hadn't seen that yet, and it had been bothering me for a while. it was good. i guess i wouldn't say that it was amazing, it had it's flaws, but i still cried my fucking eyes out at the end. god damn! i knew it was going to end like that! it didn't help knowing that heath ledger's not alive anymore, either. ugh.
my mom didn't really like it. she kept going on about how jack was a playa and how he was taking advantage of poor ennis. i guess i see where she got that, but idk, it was deeper than that, a lot deeper. all in all, good movie.

- - -

also, i watched mr. and mrs. smith tonight. i rented that one, too. it's kind of a dumb movie, i don't know why i like it so much. i mean, even though it's completely unrealistic, you have to admit how hot brad pitt and angelina jolie are totally makes up for it. plus, i have this insatiable need for action movies, and that'll hold me over for a while. and, haha, i was listening to mayday parade's 'champagne's for celebrating (i'll have a martini)' today. oooh.

i really like movies, thank god for blockbuster gift cards. =]