respect

respect is a tough thing.

its either respect yourself,

or earn the respect of others.

it seems like we dont get a choice.

and i hate this.

but if i have to choose,

i choose respecting myself.

i do the things i do for myself.

sure, i care what everyone thinks.

we all do, its unavoidable.

and yes i feel pressure.

but id rather go through life

taking my chances and regretting

what it made people think of me,

than keeping to myself and regretting

all of the things i missed out on.

and i dont know, maybe

this makes me selfish

or hypocritical

or shallow.

but the truth is,

no one has life figured out yet.

so im gonna try living it

any way i can.

you got so much love in you

so, wow.

i didnt mean for that last post to sound so emotional. but i was feeling pretty bad. we talked on the phone that night and about so many things and, idk. love is hard. what ashley said may have been right, and ive had all those same thoughts. like it was too short for it to be real love, just infatuation and i really just liked the way he treated me and were just not right because this kid really is kind of a player like everyone says. 

but the things we talked about just make so much sense. like, maybe the love we have isnt quite the the type either of us needs atm? its hard to explain i guess. unless he was outright lying to me, he really does loves me, in a different way than he has other girls. so, im okay in the end. we still talk a lot and i still love him, even if im not in love with him and we cant really be together. things just cant work the way we want them to. its complicated. but it doesnt have to be figured out for it to be alright.

so im not upset anymore, im living day by day which always works, and things are going good really. im happy just knowing that ive got so much love in my life and theres a lot of people who really care about me. its all good in the end. =] 

you could love me if i knew how to lie

so today they announced student council reps. =]

i got in and i am so excited for it. 

aaron told me he rigged the election and i almost believe him.

oh shit that reminds me, i kinda stole his sharpie and i need to give it back. fifth hour is a good time.

oh yeah, speaking of people with the last name eicher, i think ill be going over to their house soon to watch spaceballs. zach pretty much flipped his shit when i told him i hadn't seen it and i think he was hinting around an invitation to his house to watch it, but he never said it outright. maybe ill ask him later in the week. thursday would be a good day if i don't have too much homework and he doesn't have soccer practice, even if he did it would be okay, i'd like to watch him.

anyway, i had a lot of fun at marching practice tonight lmao. me and keegan and zach stayed after and hung out in the choir hallway when zach was supposed to be in musical practice. jeremy and i got into a fight during the actual marching part of the rehearsal, but then he gave me the longest hug i think ive gotten in a while and everyone thought we were making out, haha. i got my uniform and everyone liked the scarf i was wearing, zach asked where my coat came from. =] UGH SPENCER had a discussion with me about how he has a crush on me and i told him that i 'had my eye on someone', lmao. toward the end aaron and taylor utzig came in the band room and there were a lot of piggy back rides and people playing the wrong instruments and when it was time to leave there were a lot of crazy goodbyes and talk of paper mache. i dont think aaron enjoys taking taylor home after musical rehearsal every day because he had an annoyed face on when we were talking about how she lives on the other side of town and he lives within walking distance of school. she has an even more crazy crush on him than i do, and she needs to learn to not be so, idk, not pushy but demanding? clingy? overbearing? with people she likes. she did that with wyatt too, and i want to slap her because it doesn't get her anywhere. they just get annoyed with her, which sucks because inside she's really a good kid, just over enthusiastic. 

um, this post wasn't really that interesting i guess.

it was mostly just me listing my thoughts. thanks for reading if you did. =] 

tomorrow is superhero day and i have no idea what to wear. ive got a batman cape but idk if i want to wear that to school...

we're gonna have us a champagne jam

so i think im going to lose my mind about this fucking cobra/ftsk and friends tour. my dad's being all ~noncomittal about it, and idk if ashley's mom can take us and i have zero friends who can drive to milwaukee [and who my parents would trust. ahaha i bet aaron eicher would take me if i asked nicely!] ugh, i wish justin lived close enough to take us. because one, he would totally take us, and two, his town only has a walmart and i think he really needs to get out of there if he wants to go anywhere with his music. im just really hoping that all this holdup won't be for much longer and i'll get tickets because im so scared that it'll sell out! aah!!
allie asked me if i wanted to go see metro station with her in november, and omg i would love that so much, but idk, i still really want to see all time low and the academy is and my parents are really against concerts, especially in milwaukee and chicago of course. plus idk if allie still smokes and i hope she knows im not into that kind of thing.

i shouldn't be freaking out about this kind of thing, but i don't want to miss out on all the fun while im still a kid. i mean, ive heard so much from older people that 'high school was the best time of my life', 'man i wish i was that young again, i got into so much shit' etc, and i want to take advantage of this as much as i can. i know how fast the time passes, and if i can't slow it down i guess i've got to just buckle up for the ride, you know?

which brings me to the topic of how much i am enjoying school, now that it's started again. i'm already lacking on sleep, and no matter how much breakfast i eat, im deathly hungry by second hour and its incredibly hard to find a place to sit at lunch and im a little scared about all the work this is going to be, and im kinda caught in this crazy predicament of who i want to pursue to date [omg this is an interesting story that i don't plan on telling, sorry, maybe some other time] but i've managed to have so much fun already in the first three days of school that i cant even describe it. it's scary but really great.

also; chiodos makes me smile. so does sky eats airplane. a lot.

never learn, never knew

yeah i just made a post, but i have a lot more to say,
and i am going to say it.

all of a sudden i rediscovered my intense love for that great band patent pending.
go listen to them please because they are pretty great.

we decided that since its the last weekend of summer that we were going to be spontaneous and travel wherever we want, whenever we want. i like this idea. we took a two point five hour trip to the wisconsin dells today to go to an outlet mall that was kinda dumb and we ended up seeing hamlet two at the amazing theater they have up there. i liked that movie a lot, haha, it was great. my mom didnt understand it/didn't like it because it talked about gay people, the way she feels about every movie except chick flicks. my dad couldn't decided if he liked it or not because he thought it was kinda dumb and not well made but he laughed a lot and i liked it and that automatically means he has to like it. so, whatever. i thought it was good.

to get back on the topic of writing again, because i wasn't finished, on the way up i started a story based off the amazing movie i watched recently called some like it hot. its black & white, from the late fifties and has been called the funniest movie ever made. haha. i wrote the title of my story and couldn't start it, so i moved on to another one based on something that actually happened to me at my county fair. its kind of cute but not very funny. i think i wrote ten lines, maybe and moved on to a cute little lyric thing ive been thinking about for the past few days about seatbelts. then i saw a hot air balloon and a cute guy in the car next to me and stopped writing because i couldn't concentrate any more.

i think i have such a problem writing stories because apparently i have a really short attention span all of a sudden. i write anonymous letters about all my secrets all the time on this 'dear you' community on livejournal and i enjoy it. i can concentrate and finish a letter because i usually write them like this:
in lines
that are usually
three to ten words long.

like that book 'sharp teeth'
that was written in
freeverse poetry.

it was a good book
and it inspired me a little.
but thats not the reason
i write like that.

it just makes sense to me.

so, maybe school will bring me back to earth. maybe having to write papers and essays again will retrain me to write in full sentences and complete thoughts. that might be a good thing.
ill post whatever else comes to mind on my livejournal so i can put it under a cut and it wont take up as much space.

one day, robots will cry

so my dad and some of his airplane loving family journey'd up to oshkosh for the fly in or w/e. they saw airplanes from wednesday-sunday. i do not like airplanes, so i did not go.
while he was gone, my mom and i did a lot of shopping and idk, girl bonding stuff. you know how it is. on saturday we ventured up to johnson creek to the big outlet mall. we went to a few stores, but we got tired pretty fast. i got this from zumiez and a green tank and checkered blouse-y top thing from rue 21. i also found these red skinny jeans for like $20. they were perfect and i even fit into a 3 instead of a 5. =] that made me happy, but i didn't get them because they weren't exactly the right color and i didn't want to buy too much because the shoes i want are like $90 and i dont want to spend billions of dollars on clothes.
oh! btw they're opening an american apparel store in madison! im super excited because its right on state street and close to ragstock and now we'll have a reason to go to madison more often.
also, we went to kohls and i found this dress on the clearance rack for $10 that just happened to be my size and i tried it on and didn't like it very much. w/e. but my mom was like. OMG YOU MUST HAVE THAT ILOVEIT. she started talking about how i needed to 'stop dressing like a boy' and about how i didn't like it only because she liked it. she says stuff like that a lot, its never true, and we didn't end up buying it. idk. she's really stubborn. we sorta bonded over it though because she told me a bunch of stories about how shy i was as a child and how im not easily indimidated by her and its so weird because my brothers definitely were, but they were really outgoing children and im the opposite because im really driven and stubborn like her but im kinda shy in some situations. i always win arguments. and she also said that she likes who i am a lot but she wishes that she understood me more and that i really 'threw her for a loop' and stuff like that. it was kinda nice. then she went to the bank or something and i stayed in the car and had a staring contest with a little boy in the car next to me. when he was leaving he waved at me and i waved back. it was cute. =]

and omg! on saturday our neighbor down the street called us and was like, 'time to lock all your windows and doors and turn lights on. there's a robber lady in the field.' apparently, this lady robbed some people a few blocks away and ran away from the cops in her car, but she came to the dead end of our street and got out of her car and ran. she was actually super close to our house. i was scared shitless. the police got her and told us that there had been a lot of robberies like this near us and to keep on a lookout. and i am pretty terrified about it.

so. i guess that's it. i got the cool kids' the bake sale and i like it a lot. =]

so

today i painted some sets with my mom and mrs. schrank, sorta. we primed some wood, not a big deal. it only took a few hours. but after we were done, we had this cool little discussion about my mom's life, about mrs. schrank's life, about children, about my life, about a lot of people's lives, about integrity, about relationships, about a lot of other things. it was pretty great. i've never liked this lady too much, and she interrupted my mom a lot, but its okay because she shared a lot of her life with us and i have more respect for her now. i realized that all people are inherently good, some are just troubled and dont know how to show it. i also learned a few things about myself that weren't really important but nice to know.

idk, i love discussing things. its a pretty natural thing for me to tell people what i think. even if i don't really know what im trying to say, even if i want to hold it from them, even if they wont like it or they'll disrespect me or think im dumb for it, i want everyone to understand how i feel. i'll find a way to let them know. however, i guess i dont really have a lot of strong opinions on big issues. i have a lot of thoughts, but never any final descisions.
and thats just how it is.

=]

tomorrow is my toe surgery.
i dont wanna say im scared because its not a real surgery or anything.
its fucking toenail surgery. who cares.
plus ive pretty much done it before.
but im still pretty freaked out about it.
yeah, you could say im scared.
because surgery is fucking terrifying.

wish me luck, =/


[editt; happy bday ray toro! i actually remembered]

yay

omg. i saw hancock on wednesday and it was more amazing than i couldve imagined!! aah. the storyline was great. i thought i knew what was going to happen but it completely blew me away!! it was way different than any superhero movie i had ever seen and ugh it was just amazing!!! i did cry towards the end for a few different reasons, but im okay with that because it was totally worth crying about. there were maybe one or two little things that i would've liked to see more of, but the story was great and the acting was great and aah i loved it a lot. i want to talk about it so bad, but i dont want to give it away, so i'll stop, but it was marvelous!!

the only thing that sucked was my parents being dummies like they always do at movies. my mom was asking me questions the whole time because i guess she didn't really get it, and my dad was trying to be cool and telling me when he noticed weird things like, 'oh they have a past together dont they!', 'oh man i totally saw that coming'. like, ugh, really?! i noticed that too, a long time ago, please shut the hell up kthnx. they did that at wall-e, too. =/
my dad likes to discuss movies after we see them. im cool with that and all, i love discussions, but there's a point where i want to stop talking about it and just think about it, you know? i like keep my thoughts to myself a little. but, idk, thats just my dad i guess.

ugh. i bought some lemonade from some girls across the street and it does not make my tummy feel good. i will not buy anything from them again. ehh.

one more thing. if i haven't already said this, im going to be gone next week to camp. im leaving tomorrow and won't be back until next sunday. so, yeah. that's that. toodle-oo. =]

elitism

so today i went to my friends dance recital. she was really good, but i didn't like the atmosphere of the place. like, when i was a dancer, things were so much different. my teacher must've been evil mchigh-standard pants because she set the bar super high. these kids were good and everything, but the costumes, the songs and the staging weren't what i was expecting. it's just a different style i guess, but who am i to judge, you know?

well, my mom thought she could judge all she wanted. she pulled the show apart...ripped it to shreds. i mean, i don't think she was rude about it, but she couldn't stop talking about how much lower the standards are here and how things are so mediocre here, this could've been better, "that wouldve never happened in mrs. betty's show" etc etc.
i didn't like that at all. like, it's cool if you don't like something, but you don't need to beat into the ground how much better you've done it. that's not constructive to me. it made me realize how much of an elitist attitude my parents have toward everything. they approach a lot of things with predisposed notions about how they should be, and if things don't exceed expectations, they were shitty or unorganized...or whatever.
i don't like the attitudes my parents have about anything, even towards each other. they are extremely contradicting in everything they say. i'll keep the examples short. my mom expects my dad to do things for himself because he's the man of the house, yet she talks about how she 'wears the pants' and doesn't like him taking part in things and hates the traditional family picture of the self-sufficient man w/simple, happy wife. my dad hates when my mom tells him what to do, but when she doesn't tell him what to do, he does nothing and waits around for her to make a decision. ugh! i just wish that they could see that they both have faults and could make a compromise about things. they're both good people, but they can't see the whole picture and the little details. they see one or the other...and it bothers me a whole lot.

i've been thinking about that for a while, and needed to get it out. thanks for listening. =]