lonely

so, ashley's gone to milwaukee for the state fair all week. and im pretty bummed about it, even though we've been texting good night and good morning and have a fun shower to each other.
we had vacation bible school this week at my church, and i helped out because i absolutely love kids. i had so much fun. every day id be like 'who wants to sit by me!?!?' at dinner and stuff and on monday all i got was crickets, haha. but after i talked to the kids and made friends w/them a million hands raised for the rest of the week. they loved me a lot. my group was really adorable and we had lots of group hugs. there were seven kids and we never had a consistent adult to help us so i was their only official leader. yesterday i only had three kids so we kinda bonded even more. it was pretty awesome tbqh.
but those two things leave me pretty lonely today.
im going to lunch w/tai and her sister in like an hour so im excited for that, but it doesn't really solve my problem cause i talk to tai all the time. haha. i have a super hard time talking on the phone and over the internet, guys. i get super self conscious and idk why. but this girl for some reason is the only person other than my parents who i feel comfortable talking to over the phone. so ive talked to her like everyday this week and she's saved me a little.

but the point of this entry is that idk why, but no matter how many people are around me or how much fun im having i feel super lonely inside.
like, im not depressed or anything. i know that. but im just not really super close to anyone and it makes me pretty sad. i dont have anyone in my life that i feel free sharing absolutely everything with. im a big secret keeper. even w/my mom, who is probably the person im closest to. i cant tell her everything. all my feelings, all my desires, all my needs, hopes, and dreams because she's crazy judgemental and i dont think she understands me very well.
i guess i don't have anything to complain about because i know people who've got straight out shitty lives, you know? my life is great, really, i don't have any problems at all and i feel so selfish when i talk about the things that aren't quite right.
but i know that its not good to keep them in. so all ive got to say is that i wish i had someone to be really open with. someone who i could hold close and tell everything to. someone who would tell me everything about themselves. we would solve problems together and idk. i wish i was close to someone physically, too. just casually, you know? nothing serious or demanding, but closeness, in every way.
i guess thats it. =]

back from camp!

so im back from camp.
i guess i won't really talk about it because, idk, its a lot of inside jokes and stuff that you wouldn't get unless you were there. its a really great place. and i dont even care that its 'church' camp because it doesn't really feel like it. i mean, yeah there's a whole lot of singing and praying and all that, but when you get past that and get to campfire and start making friends in your cabin its so amazing. like, the mood is constantly set on 'love'. everyone there cares about each other and is completely open and, aaah its so great.

we had skit night on thursday. my cabin did 'celebrities come to camp' and i was michael jackson, haha it was so much fun. a bunch of people came up to me and were like, "do you do acting? because you totally should! you were so funny today." and i was like, aww yeah i do i love to act. if my michael jackson act is the only thing people remember me for, im totally cool with it because i had a lot of fun.

idk, i guess thats all i have to say. i don't want to get sad remembering all the other good stuff, and its not like anyone wants to hear it that badly. =X if for some dumb reason you're bored and would like to know about juice's kilt, jeff's broken heel [and apparently me being depressed], pokemon skits, chickoREE, or anything else go ahead and ask.

but one thing i need you to do is look up ethan keller.
just go to www.ethankeller.com because he is my favorite person in the world right now and really deserves the attention. he taught me how to moonwalk for my michael jackson impression, taught me some self defense/taekwondo skills, knows what the word 'kaplowawow' means, wears corduroy pants, knows how to play like ten million instruments, looks like jon walker at the present [looked like jesus last year], wears mirrored sunglasses, writes great music, and was the only other person at camp who liked beck!
that man can do no wrong. =]

yay

omg. i saw hancock on wednesday and it was more amazing than i couldve imagined!! aah. the storyline was great. i thought i knew what was going to happen but it completely blew me away!! it was way different than any superhero movie i had ever seen and ugh it was just amazing!!! i did cry towards the end for a few different reasons, but im okay with that because it was totally worth crying about. there were maybe one or two little things that i would've liked to see more of, but the story was great and the acting was great and aah i loved it a lot. i want to talk about it so bad, but i dont want to give it away, so i'll stop, but it was marvelous!!

the only thing that sucked was my parents being dummies like they always do at movies. my mom was asking me questions the whole time because i guess she didn't really get it, and my dad was trying to be cool and telling me when he noticed weird things like, 'oh they have a past together dont they!', 'oh man i totally saw that coming'. like, ugh, really?! i noticed that too, a long time ago, please shut the hell up kthnx. they did that at wall-e, too. =/
my dad likes to discuss movies after we see them. im cool with that and all, i love discussions, but there's a point where i want to stop talking about it and just think about it, you know? i like keep my thoughts to myself a little. but, idk, thats just my dad i guess.

ugh. i bought some lemonade from some girls across the street and it does not make my tummy feel good. i will not buy anything from them again. ehh.

one more thing. if i haven't already said this, im going to be gone next week to camp. im leaving tomorrow and won't be back until next sunday. so, yeah. that's that. toodle-oo. =]

ap tour

so thursday was the show that i went to w/ ashley. it was pretty kickass. this girl i know told me that some of her friends were going to be there, and somehow we managed to get in line right behind them. that was pretty cool. except it was raining when we were in line, and our um-ber-ella was too small. some cute guy tried to sell us cd's and some other guy gave all the kids in line free rockstar. me and ashley met this super cute kid justin who we hung out with all night 'cause we couldn't make any other friends [haha]. it was cool that he hung out w/us because he was probably 5+ years older. he's a musician and probably the coolest person i've ever met. i'm mad at myself for not getting a forever the sickest kids shirt because i liked their set the best. [album comes out tuesday!!] but i got a matches shirt because they're my favorite!! we almost got killed during their set, i saw a couple of girls faint and the guy who was in front of me was super gross so we hightailed it out of there when they were done. after that, ashley, justin and i just danced in the outer circle & stuff. i bought all time low's ep and some earplugs for my dad [lmao] and after the show justin played us some tunes on his guitar. =] oh yeah and the lineup was forever the sickest kids, the matches, the rocket summer, and all time low. pretty sweet.

[editt; also, i pretended to be in the conversation these kids were having with justin from the matches and that guy from ftsk. lmao i am so lame.]
- - -

today i was confirmed at my church. i don't like complaining, but it sucked major ass. i didn't like getting my picture taken 23094872309586 times, i didn't like making promises to god that i know i wont even try to keep, i didn't like the dress i wore, and i did not like my aunt. i never have. the only good thing about it was that my mom bought me a $50 itunes card because lmao i have no money. i bought:
-does it offend you, yeah?'s you have no idea what you're getting into
-saosin's saosin [finally!!!]
-gym class heroes' the papercut chronicles
-mgmt's oracular spectacular
-punk goes crunk compilation =]
-preordered ftsk's underdog alma mater

so, yeah. i'm pretty excited about that.