i think i might change my name to tomorrow

 well its spring break again.

except its not very springy outside, it snowed today.

i dont have much to do, other than homework, play practice, and soccer practice this week.

except we're going down to chicago for the aquarium and epic burger on thursday :D thatll be a good time

and i was supposed to chill with kegan today, but i dont know exactly how things are going to play out with me and him.

so my mom and i went grocery shopping and played wii fit for hours. :] it was good.

i am in love with a thing called soccer. it is so nice to be active, i never wanna stop playing ever. even though my team isn't that good, it doesn't matter because we have so much fun. i used to be a real lazy kid, but now im starting to think that sports are kind of the best :]

i was going to get into some real thoughtful stuff about relationships and all that in this post, but i don't feel like it i guess. im tired of all that. i think its time for me to just do what feels right. so ill leave it that im mostly happy, but ive got some choices to make. we'll see. im hopeful for whats to come next year.

which reminds me. i really want summer. like now. i want to be free to do what i want, and not be a freshman anymore :P im looking forward to this summer a whole lot. were going to italy and its pretty much going to make my life. although i have no idea how im going to survive for two weeks without my phone haha. itll be worth it. 

i just want it to be any day but today. any day but tomorrow. any week but this week. :/ im just bored with the way things are right now and im longing for change. hopefully it will find me soon.

im tired and cold so i think ill be heading off to bed, good night blogger

you can keep tellin those lies, ill keep singin these shitty love songs.

so, things arent so great.

id like to talk about it, 

but im still at the point where thinking about it too much makes me cry.

and its not all bad, really. im head over heels in love, and ive never felt so wonderful in my life. its amazing to have someone who cares so much about you that theyre willing to sacrifice how they feel so that you're okay. but it sucks to know that many of the things you've heard about someone are true in the end. and when something seems to good to be true, it usually is. things arent over, theres still some talking to do. its just hard. and confusing. high school is a social deathtrap. and i guess thats all ive got to say for now.

we've got these big city dreams

so yesterday was halloween. it could've been worse tbh. i made my costume in like three hours. i spray painted a box silver and cut holes for my head, arms, and legs. i drew a control panel on the front and wrote coolbot 3000 on it because, you know, that's totally me. =] me and ashley went to beloit, even though my friend who lives there wasn't there, we still went around her neighborhood because we have been for a really long time. it was pretty cool, and a lot of people commented on my costume. we got home and didn't have anything to do so we walked down to pick n save, one of my favorite places to go at night. there wasn't much to do there since we didn't have any money. we also went to walgreens across the street because they have everything there. we saw these kids and kinda wanted to talk to them, but they left before we could say anything. on our way home, we saw them at mcdonalds. again, we didn't have any time to talk to them and after we got home, we got my mom to take us back so we could find them. haha, we did, and they were hanging out with a pimp and a couple dumb girls we know. one of them had halloween paint all over his arms and face and was like, hey, you're girls, do you know how to get this kind of stuff off? everything we suggested he had already tried, even the 'blow job' machine in the bathroom, haha a.k.a. the hand dryer. 

all in all, it was a quiet but good day.

the real point of this entry was supposed to be about all the reasons why i desperately want a sibling [either a slightly older brother or a slightly younger sister], but i know that it would get really long and wordy and im pretty tired so i'll just leave it at that. =]

my feet are moving, but im going nowhere

i've been able to think of nothing but this for the past few days.

i wish i could control my heart.
to be perfectly honest, i have intense crushes on like five different people atm.
[im not going to name any of them just in case any of my rl friends happen to read this, but don't worry ashley, connor is not one of them, even though he's probably the most adorable kid ever, haha]
i guess what i said in my last entry about 'figuring out who i want to pursue to date' isn't really what i wanted to say. i just wish i could control my feelings stop falling for every kid i meet and maybe concentrate on one person? im not sure. i just really really like all these kids and all i can do is plan out how things could possibly go with each of them in my mind. im not ready to risk losing any of them as friends if i alienate them by showing an interest in one specifically. plus there's other factors that im not really willing to share with anyone yet because i dont know what the repercussions may be. ugh, this is so fucking frustrating.
i need to stop thinking about it so much. what i need to do is just concentrate on school and try not to do anything about this dumb situation; if something is meant to be, it will show itself right? that's how everything else has managed to turn out so great in my life, tbh. something has happened to distract me from all the shit i worry about, and i revert back to who i really am and things work out great.
its just, i've never had any real relationships. i mean, yeah im not even fifteen [two weeks!], i shouldn't be worried about love or anything. but, like i said, im almost fifteen and haven't fucking been kissed yet because i didn't take the chance and im kinda holding out for it at this point. im not good at taking risks and taking chances, and im really good at regrets.
so, i need to fix that.

i also kinda need to fix my view on reality.
im a really perceptive person, and i feel like ive got superpowers sometimes because i can see straight through most people [except that fucking dumb amazing kid aaron] and i feel like i know the reasons why they do things the way they do and how they see things and idk, im not into conflicts because i know that every person, including myself obviously, has some really great things about them and some really shitty things about them and being mad at them won't fix the shitty parts. i don't want it to seem like im saying that im the smartest kid ever or im right all the time or anything because its not that big of a deal and it happens to everyone at one point or another...
anyway, this whole thing kinda leaves me stuck between how things are in real life and what should be fair for everyone, how things should be, you know?
it kinda stresses me out because i like to fix things. i want to do things to make everyone feel the way they should, to make the right things happen to the right kids and i dont care what happens to me because all that matters is the fact that everyone else is okay and i can deal with whatever comes along.
but then there's reality and the fact that im really a selfish person sometimes and im not too good at stepping outside of my comfort zone for long periods of time. and there's the fact that i can't fix things for everyone because some things cant be fixed by just a hug and a promise to listen and advice from a young kid like me who has constantly changing interests [and uses too many words and run on sentences >.<].
its kinda hard.
but its not really a big deal in the end, because at this point i pretty much live my life on a day-by-day basis and i don't think i need to worry about fixing the world's problems at this time in my life no matter how much i want to.

no trucks beyond atwood avenue

my teeth dont really feel much better today.
but thats okay because im used to it now.

today we went shopping,
even though i didn't get up until like one o'clock, haha.
i didn't really get anything exciting other than hit the lights' album.
i like it a lot. =]

but im pretty upset about my tai shirt.
i bought a small, slim fit even, and it is absolutely huge.
usually i buy shirts too big for me and get dissapointed about it,
but this one is actually the right size, it must be cut wrong or something.
idk, i haven't washed it yet, maybe it will shrink.
my mom can always take it in, she's a good sewer.
while she's at it, i'll probably have her do my ftsk shirt and backseat goodbye shirt as well.

i had a dream last night about school.
it wasn't in the school that im actually going to, and i got horribly lost.
but the boys from panic at the disco came to my rescue, haha.
no one knew who they were, and they thought they were all big nerds
so i was the only kid sitting by them at lunch.
it was a little awkward, but not bad. =]

id really like some jones soda.
i think we're about to go to the grocery store so
maybe i'll pick some up.

[editt; haha! i ended up getting jones soda in cans because i need something to drink at school next week. plus its such a good deal. =] also i think the title for this entry would make a good song title, or maybe beyond atwood or beyond atwood avenue would be a good name for a band. just a thought]

chi-town

so yesterday i went to chicago with ashley, lauren and morgan.
i lost my first staring contest with a guy on a bus, but it was okay because he gave me a thumbs up. a lot of things at the aquarium scared me, but that was okay too because i like aquariums a lot. navy pier was a little boring and the walk we took was like ten million miles long but that was also okay because we had a whole lot of fun on the spinning chair thing and i bought some great lemonade. the water taxi we took was amazing. i didn't know how much i liked boats, but now i do. =] we laughed a lot, which made it a good day.

its hard to describe how intensely i want to live in a big city like that. well, more like i wish i was raised in a big city like that, so i knew how it all worked and stuff, you know? i mean, i don't live in a tiny town or anything, but i used to, and its not like where i live now is the biggest city on the map either. idk, i just like big-city life and i wish i had all the opportunities and different situations that a place like chicago provides.

and idk what's wrong with me, but i feel pretty angsty lately. like there's something huge missing from my life and no matter what i try to fill it with, its only temporary. i guess it's a good thing school is starting soon so i can have things to think about other than how empty everything feels. =/

one day, robots will cry

so my dad and some of his airplane loving family journey'd up to oshkosh for the fly in or w/e. they saw airplanes from wednesday-sunday. i do not like airplanes, so i did not go.
while he was gone, my mom and i did a lot of shopping and idk, girl bonding stuff. you know how it is. on saturday we ventured up to johnson creek to the big outlet mall. we went to a few stores, but we got tired pretty fast. i got this from zumiez and a green tank and checkered blouse-y top thing from rue 21. i also found these red skinny jeans for like $20. they were perfect and i even fit into a 3 instead of a 5. =] that made me happy, but i didn't get them because they weren't exactly the right color and i didn't want to buy too much because the shoes i want are like $90 and i dont want to spend billions of dollars on clothes.
oh! btw they're opening an american apparel store in madison! im super excited because its right on state street and close to ragstock and now we'll have a reason to go to madison more often.
also, we went to kohls and i found this dress on the clearance rack for $10 that just happened to be my size and i tried it on and didn't like it very much. w/e. but my mom was like. OMG YOU MUST HAVE THAT ILOVEIT. she started talking about how i needed to 'stop dressing like a boy' and about how i didn't like it only because she liked it. she says stuff like that a lot, its never true, and we didn't end up buying it. idk. she's really stubborn. we sorta bonded over it though because she told me a bunch of stories about how shy i was as a child and how im not easily indimidated by her and its so weird because my brothers definitely were, but they were really outgoing children and im the opposite because im really driven and stubborn like her but im kinda shy in some situations. i always win arguments. and she also said that she likes who i am a lot but she wishes that she understood me more and that i really 'threw her for a loop' and stuff like that. it was kinda nice. then she went to the bank or something and i stayed in the car and had a staring contest with a little boy in the car next to me. when he was leaving he waved at me and i waved back. it was cute. =]

and omg! on saturday our neighbor down the street called us and was like, 'time to lock all your windows and doors and turn lights on. there's a robber lady in the field.' apparently, this lady robbed some people a few blocks away and ran away from the cops in her car, but she came to the dead end of our street and got out of her car and ran. she was actually super close to our house. i was scared shitless. the police got her and told us that there had been a lot of robberies like this near us and to keep on a lookout. and i am pretty terrified about it.

so. i guess that's it. i got the cool kids' the bake sale and i like it a lot. =]

SO

so today was my toe surgery.
it wasn't really a big deal.
but i was terrified.

surgery is definitely my greatest fear.
i sometimes like hospitals, depending on the reason for attending and which one im attending.
i don't like our hospitals because they are pretty old and smell horrible, plus they are horrifying when im the reason for being there. luckily they're building a totally new, state of the art hospital that will be nice and comforting to me.
and things like needles and blood dont freak me out as much as they used to, sometimes yes but usually not.
its the anticipation and aftermath of surgery that scares the shit out of me.

i know i was really freaking out in the waiting room because i was hyper-sensitive to sounds and my vision was not steady [maybe because i forgot to put my glasses on, idk], plus i was shaking pretty badly. i almost broke down when i was waiting in the operating chair for the doctor, but i couldn't let myself do that. there were some machines that i really did not like and seeing all the shiny sharp metal tools stacked up was not comforting.
but when the doctor came in i started to calm down. i really like the podiatrist i see because he's a really casual, laid back guy, and that scares me a little. idk how to explain it, but he's not too intimidating and not too comforting. a little cold but also really caring and nice. a perfect balance. he and the amazing nurse he works with always have a wierd effect on me. idk how to explain it, but it works.
so he numbs up my toe and, thank god i have a pretty high pain tolerance, because the nurse is like, 'wow, most people really need help with this, but you always do so well with the shots.' and my mom is like 'yeah, shes a trooper.' which is a saying i dont really like, but i guess it sorta fits me because i dont like giving up, and i know that after the anesthetic, everything will be okay. but then the doctor brings out the fucking touniquet and puts it around my toe so that it won't bleed as much. that was probably the worst part of the whole thing, the name itself scares me. i cant describe how much i do not like those little rubber tubes. ugh.
but after that, i guess everything was pretty good. i like watching the actual operating part of surgery. i'd rather watch it than not watch it because i like knowing what's going on. i feel more in control if i can see what is happening. im scared when im not watching it because im not prepared for anything to go wrong, it puts me into a false sense of security. my mom says i've always been like that.
after it was over, [it only took like 20-30 minutes], the only other thing that scared me was him telling me to back next week and the possibility of complications. i haven't had any pain, which i think is really wierd, but im trying not to worry about it

other than that, i bought the cab's album today and painted a picture of an alligator on a storm cloud thinking about a headless giraffe that didn't really make sense. right now i just need to sleep.

i would like to live in baltimore

so this week we found out that my dogs and cats have fleas. =[ i am very sad for them. not only because they are itchy and stuff, but also because my mom has gone crazy. she vacuumed all of them today and combed them every time they went outside. she bought all kinds of medicine and a spray for the house. so now we have to move all the furniture, vacuum every inch of every room of the house, and spray this spray in all the places where fleas would be hiding. i mean, i guess it's all for the best, but im not looking foroward to it.

other than that, nothing is really going on. i rented and watched 'death at a funeral' and 'eagle vs. shark' a few days ago. they were both pretty good. eagle vs shark was a little slow paced, but it was still cute and funny. death at a funeral was absolutely hilarious! i love peter dinklage, he's one of my favorite actors. i thought the story was great and very well excecuted.
haha, i also caught 'snakes on a plane' on tv earlier this week. idk what to say about that movie, really. it was kinda dumb and not very scary [unless you're indiana jones] but i still enjoyed it. who doesn't love samuel jackson? i was so excited when the song and video [you know cobra starship w/will beckett and travis mccoy] came on during the credits. i was planning on watching it anyway, but they were one step ahead of me!

ive also had some pretty crazy weird dreams this week. one was about my mother and it felt like a horror movie. we went to the hospital for something and i think she had some surgery. after that, whenever she got mad, even if it was a tiny thing, she would murder whoever made her mad. it was pretty graphic and i really did not enjoy it. it was in black and white btw, except blue was the only color that appeared.
one of the others was really confusing. it was about a group of kids in some spaceship world, like the deathstar from starwars. it was from one of the kids points of view, but it wasn't mine. they went to some sporting event and, after it was done, one kid had this vision that told him to spraypaint something on the wall. well, he did and the law enforcement went batshit. he escaped from them and the whole dream was just him running and hiding from the police. idk...
i also had some others, but i only remember fragments.

so, luckily, this week is pretty much over. i hope the craziness stops soon!

[editt: also, i fell in love with jeff from ace of cakes (on foodnetwork) yesterday]

shit day

its crazy hard to focus right now because im listening to forever the sickest kids and i'm hyper as fuckk.
but this is a really long entry anyway. =]

anyway, yesterday was not a fun day at all.
i had to get up early in the morning to go to midas car place because they're fucktards and messed up our car. that wasnt a big deal but we got out of the house late and my mom was kinda pissed.
so the first thing that happened was, i was putting on makeup on my moms bed, watching spongebob of course, and i felt this thing on my arm and looked at it and OMG IT WAS A FUCKING TICK. you have no idea how scared i was about that. i ran downstairs screaming and freaking the shit out. it hadn't bitten me yet, it was just holding on so it was easy to get it of but ticks are like my greatest fear next to murder and surgery, cause they have eight legs and are in the spider family, but they are a thousand times more nasty and can give you deadly diseases. i found one on my ear when i was sitting on the same place on that bed before. why were they in the house?! omg i thought those things lived outside! god damn.
so after that ordeal, we left late to get to the car fixin place and this woodchuck runs out in the middle of the road. its just trottin a long and we were swerving all over to try to avoid it. luckily we didn't hit it, but we did see other dead animals, including a bat, in the road. =[ idk how a bat got into hitting range but it was there. it was a sad day for small mammals in j-town, that made me really sad.
then, we got to midas car fixers and decide to hang out there instead of getting the shitty rental car and having to fill up the gas tank. we were waiting like normal people for a few hours, playing hangman and stuff [my mom was so uncreative] and the guys like, 'well, theres a problem, hokay? we gotta take this thing out because its rusted to the other thing we had to take out, hokay?' etc. we walked over to the mall to pass the time, and that was okay [oh btw ashley, i tried on those super skinny jeans and did not enjoy them. like, it took me years to get them on and my thighs were oxygen deprived for hours after. i think i'll be sticking to normal skinny jeans tbh]. when we walked back, and after sleeping for a couple more hours, the guy comes out again and is like, 'hokay, so what we put in was the wrong size and we need to order another one, hokay? you should go home and come back tomorrow, hokay?' he was annoying and real douchebag-y. so we took the rental car home. [they called us today because the next new thing they ordered was the wrong size and they had to change it again. we ended up paying like twice as much as we would've otherwise]

so, idk, i suppose there wasnt a lot of bad stuff that happened, but it was crazy boring and sad and just a not fun day. i hope tomorrow is more fun and that i can find someone to babysit me on saturday so i can have some fun and not have to spend tenthousand hours in the car on the way to eau claire. =]