'a lot of wow factor'

so, i've kinda been holding this in, and i just don't think i can anymore.

today i made a mistake.

i wore flip flops on todays field trip,

when my mom specifically told me not to.

i guess i told her i wouldn't, and i just changed my mind at the last second and threw some on before walking out the door. my dad didn't know or didn't care or something, so he mentioned something about it in casual conversation and my mom was, needless to say, unhappy. she made me put all my flip flops away for the winter. 

im totally fucked.

like, i hate wearing shoes. i really love shoes, but just not wearing them. i have a really hard time keeping them on all day and tbh all the ones i have just make my feet look big because they are. all my shoes are really, like idk, i want to wear them (some of them) but they just don't look good. 

so this has kinda made me think about who i am. idk if i know who i am atm. i think im where i want to be, but there's a lot of other things i want and a lot of things i don't really know about, like if im doing them for me or if im doing them for everyone else. 

i guess this isn't really that big of a deal, it just feels like it is, you know? im just really confused right now. >.<

sorry you have to hear this again ashley

so this morning, zachary was late to drumline practice. when i asked him why, he told me this story.

"oh yeah, im not very good at doing things on time. so i woke up and took a shower, put on some plaid shorts and tripped and fell over in my bedroom. i took like a thirty minute nap on my floor. it was actually pretty nice."

i dont think ive made any posts about this kid yet. idk how to describe him other than ugh. i have the biggest crush ive ever had on anyone in my life. i don't even think thats an exaggeration. the crazy thing is though, i also kinda have a crush on his brother, which is dumb but unfortunately true. they're almost the same person really. its just that zach is my age and doesn't have add.

im pretty sure he likes me too. i catch him looking at me constantly, and he didn't deny it when my friend accused him of being in love with me today, haha. idk, you never know for sure. his mom works with my mom and she's told her stories about how last year apparently girls never left him alone, so im trying to take things slow and develop a good friendship before rushing into a relationship or something without forming some kind of bond to fall back on. because i hate awkwardness. [who doesn't?]

so im going to stop now, before i get carried away.

i wish i didn't talk/think about this kid so much.

my feet are moving, but im going nowhere

i've been able to think of nothing but this for the past few days.

i wish i could control my heart.
to be perfectly honest, i have intense crushes on like five different people atm.
[im not going to name any of them just in case any of my rl friends happen to read this, but don't worry ashley, connor is not one of them, even though he's probably the most adorable kid ever, haha]
i guess what i said in my last entry about 'figuring out who i want to pursue to date' isn't really what i wanted to say. i just wish i could control my feelings stop falling for every kid i meet and maybe concentrate on one person? im not sure. i just really really like all these kids and all i can do is plan out how things could possibly go with each of them in my mind. im not ready to risk losing any of them as friends if i alienate them by showing an interest in one specifically. plus there's other factors that im not really willing to share with anyone yet because i dont know what the repercussions may be. ugh, this is so fucking frustrating.
i need to stop thinking about it so much. what i need to do is just concentrate on school and try not to do anything about this dumb situation; if something is meant to be, it will show itself right? that's how everything else has managed to turn out so great in my life, tbh. something has happened to distract me from all the shit i worry about, and i revert back to who i really am and things work out great.
its just, i've never had any real relationships. i mean, yeah im not even fifteen [two weeks!], i shouldn't be worried about love or anything. but, like i said, im almost fifteen and haven't fucking been kissed yet because i didn't take the chance and im kinda holding out for it at this point. im not good at taking risks and taking chances, and im really good at regrets.
so, i need to fix that.

i also kinda need to fix my view on reality.
im a really perceptive person, and i feel like ive got superpowers sometimes because i can see straight through most people [except that fucking dumb amazing kid aaron] and i feel like i know the reasons why they do things the way they do and how they see things and idk, im not into conflicts because i know that every person, including myself obviously, has some really great things about them and some really shitty things about them and being mad at them won't fix the shitty parts. i don't want it to seem like im saying that im the smartest kid ever or im right all the time or anything because its not that big of a deal and it happens to everyone at one point or another...
anyway, this whole thing kinda leaves me stuck between how things are in real life and what should be fair for everyone, how things should be, you know?
it kinda stresses me out because i like to fix things. i want to do things to make everyone feel the way they should, to make the right things happen to the right kids and i dont care what happens to me because all that matters is the fact that everyone else is okay and i can deal with whatever comes along.
but then there's reality and the fact that im really a selfish person sometimes and im not too good at stepping outside of my comfort zone for long periods of time. and there's the fact that i can't fix things for everyone because some things cant be fixed by just a hug and a promise to listen and advice from a young kid like me who has constantly changing interests [and uses too many words and run on sentences >.<].
its kinda hard.
but its not really a big deal in the end, because at this point i pretty much live my life on a day-by-day basis and i don't think i need to worry about fixing the world's problems at this time in my life no matter how much i want to.