you got so much love in you

so, wow.

i didnt mean for that last post to sound so emotional. but i was feeling pretty bad. we talked on the phone that night and about so many things and, idk. love is hard. what ashley said may have been right, and ive had all those same thoughts. like it was too short for it to be real love, just infatuation and i really just liked the way he treated me and were just not right because this kid really is kind of a player like everyone says. 

but the things we talked about just make so much sense. like, maybe the love we have isnt quite the the type either of us needs atm? its hard to explain i guess. unless he was outright lying to me, he really does loves me, in a different way than he has other girls. so, im okay in the end. we still talk a lot and i still love him, even if im not in love with him and we cant really be together. things just cant work the way we want them to. its complicated. but it doesnt have to be figured out for it to be alright.

so im not upset anymore, im living day by day which always works, and things are going good really. im happy just knowing that ive got so much love in my life and theres a lot of people who really care about me. its all good in the end. =] 

you can keep tellin those lies, ill keep singin these shitty love songs.

so, things arent so great.

id like to talk about it, 

but im still at the point where thinking about it too much makes me cry.

and its not all bad, really. im head over heels in love, and ive never felt so wonderful in my life. its amazing to have someone who cares so much about you that theyre willing to sacrifice how they feel so that you're okay. but it sucks to know that many of the things you've heard about someone are true in the end. and when something seems to good to be true, it usually is. things arent over, theres still some talking to do. its just hard. and confusing. high school is a social deathtrap. and i guess thats all ive got to say for now.

saint john [haha, yeah right]

so, some big shit has been going down. 

i mean, not really. 

but you could say that.

actually winter break is pretty boring. 

my mom and i did christmas just the two of us because my dad was in florida. it really bothered her, but i was really cool with it because we just chilled and had fun without him. it was good. i dont usually like christmas but this year was pretty nice. =]

im not really supposed to talk about this, but im kind of falling in love with zachs brother. maybe? yeah. thats weird for me to say, but im thinking its true. like, hes perfect. simple as that. ive heard that he's not, really. that hes going to hurt me because hes a player and a real douchebag. and i can see where girls have gotten that. but im taking a chance, and so far its paying off. =] its a little weird because i used to see him as like my big brother haha, but now its so much more than that. really. like, i love this kid. but he wants me to keep it a secret. and its kind of nice, but it hurts a little, i want to share this with everyone. but ultimately i can see the reasons for that, no one at school is going to understand and because hes 18 its not such a good idea, and his parents are pretty crazy, and really its not like we're dating or anything, he's not even my boyfriend. its different than that, and i know its not going to last forever, but thats kinda what i like about it.

so, thats that. idk if it made any sense. i just had to get that all out.

ive watched a shit load of movies over the break. i love movies a lot.

i got a new phone for christmas and i honestly didn't like it at first, but i do now. its really kind of nice. there's a couple things about it that bother me but ill get over it. its a good phone.

so, i think thats it. maybe ill edit this later as i remember whats been going down.