you got so much love in you

so, wow.

i didnt mean for that last post to sound so emotional. but i was feeling pretty bad. we talked on the phone that night and about so many things and, idk. love is hard. what ashley said may have been right, and ive had all those same thoughts. like it was too short for it to be real love, just infatuation and i really just liked the way he treated me and were just not right because this kid really is kind of a player like everyone says. 

but the things we talked about just make so much sense. like, maybe the love we have isnt quite the the type either of us needs atm? its hard to explain i guess. unless he was outright lying to me, he really does loves me, in a different way than he has other girls. so, im okay in the end. we still talk a lot and i still love him, even if im not in love with him and we cant really be together. things just cant work the way we want them to. its complicated. but it doesnt have to be figured out for it to be alright.

so im not upset anymore, im living day by day which always works, and things are going good really. im happy just knowing that ive got so much love in my life and theres a lot of people who really care about me. its all good in the end. =] 

saint john [haha, yeah right]

so, some big shit has been going down. 

i mean, not really. 

but you could say that.

actually winter break is pretty boring. 

my mom and i did christmas just the two of us because my dad was in florida. it really bothered her, but i was really cool with it because we just chilled and had fun without him. it was good. i dont usually like christmas but this year was pretty nice. =]

im not really supposed to talk about this, but im kind of falling in love with zachs brother. maybe? yeah. thats weird for me to say, but im thinking its true. like, hes perfect. simple as that. ive heard that he's not, really. that hes going to hurt me because hes a player and a real douchebag. and i can see where girls have gotten that. but im taking a chance, and so far its paying off. =] its a little weird because i used to see him as like my big brother haha, but now its so much more than that. really. like, i love this kid. but he wants me to keep it a secret. and its kind of nice, but it hurts a little, i want to share this with everyone. but ultimately i can see the reasons for that, no one at school is going to understand and because hes 18 its not such a good idea, and his parents are pretty crazy, and really its not like we're dating or anything, he's not even my boyfriend. its different than that, and i know its not going to last forever, but thats kinda what i like about it.

so, thats that. idk if it made any sense. i just had to get that all out.

ive watched a shit load of movies over the break. i love movies a lot.

i got a new phone for christmas and i honestly didn't like it at first, but i do now. its really kind of nice. there's a couple things about it that bother me but ill get over it. its a good phone.

so, i think thats it. maybe ill edit this later as i remember whats been going down.

you could love me if i knew how to lie

so today they announced student council reps. =]

i got in and i am so excited for it. 

aaron told me he rigged the election and i almost believe him.

oh shit that reminds me, i kinda stole his sharpie and i need to give it back. fifth hour is a good time.

oh yeah, speaking of people with the last name eicher, i think ill be going over to their house soon to watch spaceballs. zach pretty much flipped his shit when i told him i hadn't seen it and i think he was hinting around an invitation to his house to watch it, but he never said it outright. maybe ill ask him later in the week. thursday would be a good day if i don't have too much homework and he doesn't have soccer practice, even if he did it would be okay, i'd like to watch him.

anyway, i had a lot of fun at marching practice tonight lmao. me and keegan and zach stayed after and hung out in the choir hallway when zach was supposed to be in musical practice. jeremy and i got into a fight during the actual marching part of the rehearsal, but then he gave me the longest hug i think ive gotten in a while and everyone thought we were making out, haha. i got my uniform and everyone liked the scarf i was wearing, zach asked where my coat came from. =] UGH SPENCER had a discussion with me about how he has a crush on me and i told him that i 'had my eye on someone', lmao. toward the end aaron and taylor utzig came in the band room and there were a lot of piggy back rides and people playing the wrong instruments and when it was time to leave there were a lot of crazy goodbyes and talk of paper mache. i dont think aaron enjoys taking taylor home after musical rehearsal every day because he had an annoyed face on when we were talking about how she lives on the other side of town and he lives within walking distance of school. she has an even more crazy crush on him than i do, and she needs to learn to not be so, idk, not pushy but demanding? clingy? overbearing? with people she likes. she did that with wyatt too, and i want to slap her because it doesn't get her anywhere. they just get annoyed with her, which sucks because inside she's really a good kid, just over enthusiastic. 

um, this post wasn't really that interesting i guess.

it was mostly just me listing my thoughts. thanks for reading if you did. =] 

tomorrow is superhero day and i have no idea what to wear. ive got a batman cape but idk if i want to wear that to school...

things are going according to plan

i deleted that post that said 'angst angst angst' because i didn't like two really short posts next to each other like that. plus its not like i was going to explain what it was about or anything.

i actually wrote a list of what i wanted this entry to be about.
the first thing on that list was 'nightmare'
aka the fucking nightmare before christmas dvd. aah i am so exited about itt. i always manage to miss it on cartoon network, and idk if its ever been released before but i have it now and thats all that matters. :D haha they had this super special boxed one that had this dress up jack in it and it came with a couple outfits and all this extra stuff and i was like, lmao i bet pete wentz has that.

the second thing on the list was 'twloha'
because i finally got a to write love on her arms shirt. i'd buy a million if i could, tbh. especially the 'pick up the phone' one. because i believe in that a whole lot. i ended up getting this one and im happy about it. its on backorder though, so it'll be like a month before i get it. but idrc because im showing support either way =]

the third thing on the list was 'old post (blogger)' because of whats up there, but the fourt thing was 'teeth etc'
i got rubberbands on my braces today, again. even though im in a bunch of pain and i cant open my mouth far enough to sing along with all my favorite songs that i love to do so fucking much, its okay because in like a week i'll get used to them and ill remember how much i really really love them. idk why, i guess im retarded but i do.

then we went to wisconsin dells and i wrote something on my hand to remember to add to the list of things to post when i got home. that was 'writing stories is hard for me, as are many other things.'
i guess i wrote this because i really really like writing. like, i like to write as much as i like jon walker. probably more. its just hard for me to write coherent things. ive got like three or four story beginnings, one ending [which is actually pretty great because i finished it and its cute] and a lot of character planning, plot planning, lyrics/half poems etc. floating around in a few different notebooks. none of these things are longer than three pages. =/ because its hard for me to finish my thoughts, i guess. my thoughts go to fast for my hands to write, and i can never seem to find the perfect place or time to write because inspiration strikes at the worst possible moments and ugh it just doesn't work! im thinking i might get a laptop so i can easily and quickly write whenever and wherever i want when the inspiration strikes. maybe i can get my dad to lend me sibelious and buy me a synth and a keytar so i can make music too, because you know, im ~good at that kind of thing. and maybe i can be an astronaut. there's a lot of things i want, but just wanting isnt going to get me anything, thats nothing new.
i dont know. a surprising amount of things are really hard for me. id list them, but this entry is already long enough. =]