like, really. im tired of not being able to say what i feel or just talk to people comfortably w/out being pressured to say [or not say] the right things. i just want to not think so much about things and do whatever comes to mind. when i think so much, i don't take so many chances and consequently my list of regrets just grows.
its like i've got these sides,
they've always been there, im sure everyone's got them, really.
there's this talkative, outgoing, and a little obnoxiously emotional kid who rushes into things without thinking and sometimes looks like a fool but always has fun doing it, there's this really shy and cautious kid who analyzes every move people make and doesn't take chances and always regrets them, and there's also this really cool kid who is thoughtful and casually confident and witty and just really cool, but is hiding under layers of nerdiness and uncertainty. at the beginning of the year all of these kids were one perfectly blended person all the time, but now im noticing distinct changes in the way i act around certain people and in certain places and i really don't like it. i really don't like how much it takes out of me and how unreal it all feels. it sucks, and im trying not to think about it, but the thought is there, constantly tugging at my brain like a child who wants a candy bar from his mother.
idk. i guess this post isn't really doing anything for the whole 'not thinking about it' thing, but its just so hard. =/
1 comment:
i really get what youre saying and i have those sides also when im talking to certain people. idk if this is on topic but im sick of my friends hating eachother. i feel really horrible when im hanging around someone who doesnt like one of my closest friends but i dont stand up for them because i dont want to look stupid. i dont know where my personality stands. i think its getting lost in translation. whenever im myself i always get weird looks from people and i dont want things to be like that, but i also dont like just going along with what everyone else is saying. its crazy.
also, i dont think people understand my thoughts and feelings on austin. omfg sam pisses me off sometimes. anyway, like i dont think people understand that i like him a lot. maybe i dont come across serious enuf and maybe people dont see him as someone special at all. it just bothers me a lot and i dont think ill ever get anywhere with this. i realized this today when i got news of his near death situation. i saw that im totally not in with him or anything and we prolly wont ever be close.
look, there i go giving up again. stupid childish crushes. and thats not even what it was with austin. i really did like his goofy ass personality and stuff. dammit =/
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