i think i might change my name to tomorrow

 well its spring break again.

except its not very springy outside, it snowed today.

i dont have much to do, other than homework, play practice, and soccer practice this week.

except we're going down to chicago for the aquarium and epic burger on thursday :D thatll be a good time

and i was supposed to chill with kegan today, but i dont know exactly how things are going to play out with me and him.

so my mom and i went grocery shopping and played wii fit for hours. :] it was good.

i am in love with a thing called soccer. it is so nice to be active, i never wanna stop playing ever. even though my team isn't that good, it doesn't matter because we have so much fun. i used to be a real lazy kid, but now im starting to think that sports are kind of the best :]

i was going to get into some real thoughtful stuff about relationships and all that in this post, but i don't feel like it i guess. im tired of all that. i think its time for me to just do what feels right. so ill leave it that im mostly happy, but ive got some choices to make. we'll see. im hopeful for whats to come next year.

which reminds me. i really want summer. like now. i want to be free to do what i want, and not be a freshman anymore :P im looking forward to this summer a whole lot. were going to italy and its pretty much going to make my life. although i have no idea how im going to survive for two weeks without my phone haha. itll be worth it. 

i just want it to be any day but today. any day but tomorrow. any week but this week. :/ im just bored with the way things are right now and im longing for change. hopefully it will find me soon.

im tired and cold so i think ill be heading off to bed, good night blogger

too bright to see to loud to hear

these past couple weeks have been pretty sweet. i dont want to talk about it too much because i dont want to jinx it or anything. but things are just pretty good. ive been crazy busy. 

i got into the spring play. its the matchmaker, like the non musical version of hello dolly. im not going to lie, its kind of lame honestly. its kinda fun, and totally worth it to be working on my drama letter, and ive made some more friends, plus my acting skills have gotten better already, but god its so boring! like the cast is really pretty small, and im only in a couple scenes of the first act. but i dont wanna complain, at least i got in, you know? romeo and juliet starts like the week right after the matchmaker gets over, and i might try out for that too, just so i can be in as many things as possible. its all good.

saw slumdog millionare friday with my girl. its amazing! an absolutely wonderful movie, i couldnt believe it. just great. =]

i hate playing the trumpet. enough said. its just not my thing. but i dont care, i like being in band, plus my dad's the director so ill stay with it. id like to try choir for once though =/

tonight was really weird. like, in a good way, haha, but it was just weird. i had three guys [none of which being aaron, ashley] talk sex with me, which was a realllly weird thing, especially since one of them was gay hahhaaa. but i haven't been able to stop smiling for quite a while, and its nice to be called babe again, by someone whose last name does not rhyme with reicher. i want to put this all behind me and start all over with a clean slate as far as boys go. there are so many of them! and theyre all so fun to flirt with! haha id kind of like a boyfriend, but its nice not being tied down. =]

ummm there's lots of other things for me to say, but im tired and its bedime, nighty night

weve got to reinvent love

its about a week, week and a half until valentines day. my faaaavorite holiday.

this valentines day will not be the best. but it will not be the worst.

ive been hurt, but ive been hurt worse.

ive been loved, but ive never been loved more.

i dont want to get into it i guess. i wish i didn't talk about things like this anymore, ahaha. it seems like my whole journal is full of my self pity about how dumb i am and how every relationship i have seems to consume my whole life. and i bet its really annoying. i am so tired of it. so im not going to talk about it anymore, this is my last love post for a while, i promise =]

so here's the real deal.

this week has been not too bad so far.

monday was good, 

tuesday was better, 

wednesday couldve been worse, 

today gave me clarity.

so it evens out to a good week?

ive got plans saturday, soccer sunday.

i really really love soccer.

its so much fun, i cant wait for the regular season to start.

its nice to be doing a sport, actually working at something is really nice and rewarding, it makes me feel really good =]

plus it'll be nice to letter. thats one of my big goals, to letter in like absolutely everything. haha. i guess thats kind of a shallow goal, to work hard just for some felt patches and medals and pins to put on a fancy jacket just to show everyone how much better than them you are. but theres something about it i want sooo bad. im not sure what it is. those jackets look awfully warm haha =]

i just like how easy it is to get involved in things in high school. like, sometimes high school sucks major asssss. really it is sometimes counterproductive. but sometimes its really nice. its just enough freedom for me to make my own decisions and have fun, but its also just enough structure that i dont have to do much thinking haha. so, i like it. im having fun. life is good.

i dont wanna work

so, finals are over. =]

they weren't too bad actually.

the only ones that stressed me out were geometry and science.

but i just checked my grades online and i think i got A's on all of them. hopefully yeah.

but what this post is really about how nonexistent my social life is. aah. ive got things i want to do, like bowling, sledding, just plain old hanging out with kids, and people i want to do these things with too. ive got a lot of friends really, but no one seems to have the time for me, no one really wants to hang out ever. luckily ive got stuff to do this weekend because there's a basketball game and sam's kinda having a party thing afterwards [i think ill be the only girl there haha], plus soccer on sunday and zach, taylor, caleb, and other kids are going to be there, so ill have fun. 

but on a normal weekend i dont have anything to do. like i go shopping with my mom, and occasionally there's a basketball game or i'll hang out with someone, but never on a regular basis. it kinda sucks =/ but, whatever. its just something i'll have to work on.

i feel so

things are weird.

idk. finals are this week. things will be so nice when they're over. i wont be worrying about studying or how much everyone is stressed about it and things like that. things will be simpler.

right now im not really sure what to do about anything. im tired. not too bad i guess, but tired.

you got so much love in you

so, wow.

i didnt mean for that last post to sound so emotional. but i was feeling pretty bad. we talked on the phone that night and about so many things and, idk. love is hard. what ashley said may have been right, and ive had all those same thoughts. like it was too short for it to be real love, just infatuation and i really just liked the way he treated me and were just not right because this kid really is kind of a player like everyone says. 

but the things we talked about just make so much sense. like, maybe the love we have isnt quite the the type either of us needs atm? its hard to explain i guess. unless he was outright lying to me, he really does loves me, in a different way than he has other girls. so, im okay in the end. we still talk a lot and i still love him, even if im not in love with him and we cant really be together. things just cant work the way we want them to. its complicated. but it doesnt have to be figured out for it to be alright.

so im not upset anymore, im living day by day which always works, and things are going good really. im happy just knowing that ive got so much love in my life and theres a lot of people who really care about me. its all good in the end. =] 

you can keep tellin those lies, ill keep singin these shitty love songs.

so, things arent so great.

id like to talk about it, 

but im still at the point where thinking about it too much makes me cry.

and its not all bad, really. im head over heels in love, and ive never felt so wonderful in my life. its amazing to have someone who cares so much about you that theyre willing to sacrifice how they feel so that you're okay. but it sucks to know that many of the things you've heard about someone are true in the end. and when something seems to good to be true, it usually is. things arent over, theres still some talking to do. its just hard. and confusing. high school is a social deathtrap. and i guess thats all ive got to say for now.

saint john [haha, yeah right]

so, some big shit has been going down. 

i mean, not really. 

but you could say that.

actually winter break is pretty boring. 

my mom and i did christmas just the two of us because my dad was in florida. it really bothered her, but i was really cool with it because we just chilled and had fun without him. it was good. i dont usually like christmas but this year was pretty nice. =]

im not really supposed to talk about this, but im kind of falling in love with zachs brother. maybe? yeah. thats weird for me to say, but im thinking its true. like, hes perfect. simple as that. ive heard that he's not, really. that hes going to hurt me because hes a player and a real douchebag. and i can see where girls have gotten that. but im taking a chance, and so far its paying off. =] its a little weird because i used to see him as like my big brother haha, but now its so much more than that. really. like, i love this kid. but he wants me to keep it a secret. and its kind of nice, but it hurts a little, i want to share this with everyone. but ultimately i can see the reasons for that, no one at school is going to understand and because hes 18 its not such a good idea, and his parents are pretty crazy, and really its not like we're dating or anything, he's not even my boyfriend. its different than that, and i know its not going to last forever, but thats kinda what i like about it.

so, thats that. idk if it made any sense. i just had to get that all out.

ive watched a shit load of movies over the break. i love movies a lot.

i got a new phone for christmas and i honestly didn't like it at first, but i do now. its really kind of nice. there's a couple things about it that bother me but ill get over it. its a good phone.

so, i think thats it. maybe ill edit this later as i remember whats been going down.

golden gate jumpers

so saturday turned out okay. i didn't go to the run and i asked zach to go with me to get the tree, but he was grounded. i ended up going with my family and spending most of the day at church decorating for christmas, which wasn't bad, even if it was a little boring. 

um, not much else has been going on lately. im scared shitless for finals really. they're still like a month or so away but im just scared because they're a new thing and im not sure how to study for them or anything. =/

i love my wii. i've gotta say. i haven't played it much, but once i get some new games ill be playing it a little more. id like to play it a lot but so far i haven't really had the time. i know i'll start using it more soon because it's a whole lot of fun. =]

oh i also think im going to throw a new years party. idk who would come but ill ask around and see if anyone would be interested. i like parties but ive never had one so im not so sure how it goes, i hope im fun enough for people other than ashley to be interested haha.

i want the whole meal not just the side dish

damn. facebook is really addicting. i got one like friday and i haven't been able to stay away.

it snowed really nicely today, and everyone's like 'aah i hope they close school tomorrow' but i know they won't because we were just off for thanksgiving and the snow isn't even that bad.

im doing this run/walk thing on saturday with student leadership council and it just so happened to be on the same day my family was going with some other people to get our church christmas tree. this really sucks because i was going to ask zach if he wanted to come with and we could be all cold and have to snuggle together to get warm ;] but now i can't because of this dumb run =[ plus taylor's going to be running with stewart and his dog so i won't be able to hang out with her and holly didn't get her form in on time so she might not even be there. if im lucky zachs brother aaron [whos like my big brother too] or marcus will be there. idk, we'll see what happens