lonely

so, ashley's gone to milwaukee for the state fair all week. and im pretty bummed about it, even though we've been texting good night and good morning and have a fun shower to each other.
we had vacation bible school this week at my church, and i helped out because i absolutely love kids. i had so much fun. every day id be like 'who wants to sit by me!?!?' at dinner and stuff and on monday all i got was crickets, haha. but after i talked to the kids and made friends w/them a million hands raised for the rest of the week. they loved me a lot. my group was really adorable and we had lots of group hugs. there were seven kids and we never had a consistent adult to help us so i was their only official leader. yesterday i only had three kids so we kinda bonded even more. it was pretty awesome tbqh.
but those two things leave me pretty lonely today.
im going to lunch w/tai and her sister in like an hour so im excited for that, but it doesn't really solve my problem cause i talk to tai all the time. haha. i have a super hard time talking on the phone and over the internet, guys. i get super self conscious and idk why. but this girl for some reason is the only person other than my parents who i feel comfortable talking to over the phone. so ive talked to her like everyday this week and she's saved me a little.

but the point of this entry is that idk why, but no matter how many people are around me or how much fun im having i feel super lonely inside.
like, im not depressed or anything. i know that. but im just not really super close to anyone and it makes me pretty sad. i dont have anyone in my life that i feel free sharing absolutely everything with. im a big secret keeper. even w/my mom, who is probably the person im closest to. i cant tell her everything. all my feelings, all my desires, all my needs, hopes, and dreams because she's crazy judgemental and i dont think she understands me very well.
i guess i don't have anything to complain about because i know people who've got straight out shitty lives, you know? my life is great, really, i don't have any problems at all and i feel so selfish when i talk about the things that aren't quite right.
but i know that its not good to keep them in. so all ive got to say is that i wish i had someone to be really open with. someone who i could hold close and tell everything to. someone who would tell me everything about themselves. we would solve problems together and idk. i wish i was close to someone physically, too. just casually, you know? nothing serious or demanding, but closeness, in every way.
i guess thats it. =]