SO

so today was my toe surgery.
it wasn't really a big deal.
but i was terrified.

surgery is definitely my greatest fear.
i sometimes like hospitals, depending on the reason for attending and which one im attending.
i don't like our hospitals because they are pretty old and smell horrible, plus they are horrifying when im the reason for being there. luckily they're building a totally new, state of the art hospital that will be nice and comforting to me.
and things like needles and blood dont freak me out as much as they used to, sometimes yes but usually not.
its the anticipation and aftermath of surgery that scares the shit out of me.

i know i was really freaking out in the waiting room because i was hyper-sensitive to sounds and my vision was not steady [maybe because i forgot to put my glasses on, idk], plus i was shaking pretty badly. i almost broke down when i was waiting in the operating chair for the doctor, but i couldn't let myself do that. there were some machines that i really did not like and seeing all the shiny sharp metal tools stacked up was not comforting.
but when the doctor came in i started to calm down. i really like the podiatrist i see because he's a really casual, laid back guy, and that scares me a little. idk how to explain it, but he's not too intimidating and not too comforting. a little cold but also really caring and nice. a perfect balance. he and the amazing nurse he works with always have a wierd effect on me. idk how to explain it, but it works.
so he numbs up my toe and, thank god i have a pretty high pain tolerance, because the nurse is like, 'wow, most people really need help with this, but you always do so well with the shots.' and my mom is like 'yeah, shes a trooper.' which is a saying i dont really like, but i guess it sorta fits me because i dont like giving up, and i know that after the anesthetic, everything will be okay. but then the doctor brings out the fucking touniquet and puts it around my toe so that it won't bleed as much. that was probably the worst part of the whole thing, the name itself scares me. i cant describe how much i do not like those little rubber tubes. ugh.
but after that, i guess everything was pretty good. i like watching the actual operating part of surgery. i'd rather watch it than not watch it because i like knowing what's going on. i feel more in control if i can see what is happening. im scared when im not watching it because im not prepared for anything to go wrong, it puts me into a false sense of security. my mom says i've always been like that.
after it was over, [it only took like 20-30 minutes], the only other thing that scared me was him telling me to back next week and the possibility of complications. i haven't had any pain, which i think is really wierd, but im trying not to worry about it

other than that, i bought the cab's album today and painted a picture of an alligator on a storm cloud thinking about a headless giraffe that didn't really make sense. right now i just need to sleep.