time turned fragile

(no subject)

2010-10-02T22:42:00.002-05:00

is it weird that i write in poems?

unfinished lines and streams of thought?

respect

2010-09-19T00:53:00.003-05:00

respect is a tough thing.

its either respect yourself,

or earn the respect of others.

it seems like we dont get a choice.

and i hate this.

but if i have to choose,

i choose respecting myself.

i do the things i do for myself.

sure, i care what everyone thinks.

we all do, its unavoidable.

and yes i feel pressure.

but id rather go through life

taking my chances and regretting

what it made people think of me,

than keeping to myself and regretting

all of the things i missed out on.

and i dont know, maybe

this makes me selfish

or hypocritical

or shallow.

but the truth is,

no one has life figured out yet.

so im gonna try living it

any way i can.

i want to tell you this, but you wouldnt understand

2010-05-16T19:28:00.002-05:00

sometimes, these things just happen.

we make these choices,

and they affect our lives.

things can go from good

to bad very quickly.

and they can go from bad

to worse just as fast.

but, in the same way,

things can recover.

things can go from awful

to better,

to alright,

to good,

and we become stronger,

rebuilding to where we once stood.

it helps. and we learn.

to not be so naive,

so shallow,

so selfish.

and we grow

into something much better.

sometimes, these things just have to happen.

when you know, you know

2010-04-06T12:58:00.003-05:00

havent written in a year.

because theres not much to say.

i feel good, life is great :)

see you later, blogger.

maybe in another year,

when i need you again.

i think i might change my name to tomorrow

2009-04-05T22:48:00.003-05:00

well its spring break again.

except its not very springy outside, it snowed today.

i dont have much to do, other than homework, play practice, and soccer practice this week.

except we're going down to chicago for the aquarium and epic burger on thursday :D thatll be a good time

and i was supposed to chill with kegan today, but i dont know exactly how things are going to play out with me and him.

so my mom and i went grocery shopping and played wii fit for hours. :] it was good.

i am in love with a thing called soccer. it is so nice to be active, i never wanna stop playing ever. even though my team isn't that good, it doesn't matter because we have so much fun. i used to be a real lazy kid, but now im starting to think that sports are kind of the best :]

i was going to get into some real thoughtful stuff about relationships and all that in this post, but i don't feel like it i guess. im tired of all that. i think its time for me to just do what feels right. so ill leave it that im mostly happy, but ive got some choices to make. we'll see. im hopeful for whats to come next year.

which reminds me. i really want summer. like now. i want to be free to do what i want, and not be a freshman anymore :P im looking forward to this summer a whole lot. were going to italy and its pretty much going to make my life. although i have no idea how im going to survive for two weeks without my phone haha. itll be worth it.

i just want it to be any day but today. any day but tomorrow. any week but this week. :/ im just bored with the way things are right now and im longing for change. hopefully it will find me soon.

im tired and cold so i think ill be heading off to bed, good night blogger

too bright to see to loud to hear

2009-02-16T21:32:00.008-06:00

these past couple weeks have been pretty sweet. i dont want to talk about it too much because i dont want to jinx it or anything. but things are just pretty good. ive been crazy busy.

i got into the spring play. its the matchmaker, like the non musical version of hello dolly. im not going to lie, its kind of lame honestly. its kinda fun, and totally worth it to be working on my drama letter, and ive made some more friends, plus my acting skills have gotten better already, but god its so boring! like the cast is really pretty small, and im only in a couple scenes of the first act. but i dont wanna complain, at least i got in, you know? romeo and juliet starts like the week right after the matchmaker gets over, and i might try out for that too, just so i can be in as many things as possible. its all good.

saw slumdog millionare friday with my girl. its amazing! an absolutely wonderful movie, i couldnt believe it. just great. =]

i hate playing the trumpet. enough said. its just not my thing. but i dont care, i like being in band, plus my dad's the director so ill stay with it. id like to try choir for once though =/

tonight was really weird. like, in a good way, haha, but it was just weird. i had three guys [none of which being aaron, ashley] talk sex with me, which was a realllly weird thing, especially since one of them was gay hahhaaa. but i haven't been able to stop smiling for quite a while, and its nice to be called babe again, by someone whose last name does not rhyme with reicher. i want to put this all behind me and start all over with a clean slate as far as boys go. there are so many of them! and theyre all so fun to flirt with! haha id kind of like a boyfriend, but its nice not being tied down. =]

ummm there's lots of other things for me to say, but im tired and its bedime, nighty night

weve got to reinvent love

2009-02-04T21:24:00.010-06:00

its about a week, week and a half until valentines day. my faaaavorite holiday.

this valentines day will not be the best. but it will not be the worst.

ive been hurt, but ive been hurt worse.

ive been loved, but ive never been loved more.

i dont want to get into it i guess. i wish i didn't talk about things like this anymore, ahaha. it seems like my whole journal is full of my self pity about how dumb i am and how every relationship i have seems to consume my whole life. and i bet its really annoying. i am so tired of it. so im not going to talk about it anymore, this is my last love post for a while, i promise =]

so here's the real deal.

this week has been not too bad so far.

monday was good,

tuesday was better,

wednesday couldve been worse,

today gave me clarity.

so it evens out to a good week?

ive got plans saturday, soccer sunday.

i really really love soccer.

its so much fun, i cant wait for the regular season to start.

its nice to be doing a sport, actually working at something is really nice and rewarding, it makes me feel really good =]

plus it'll be nice to letter. thats one of my big goals, to letter in like absolutely everything. haha. i guess thats kind of a shallow goal, to work hard just for some felt patches and medals and pins to put on a fancy jacket just to show everyone how much better than them you are. but theres something about it i want sooo bad. im not sure what it is. those jackets look awfully warm haha =]

i just like how easy it is to get involved in things in high school. like, sometimes high school sucks major asssss. really it is sometimes counterproductive. but sometimes its really nice. its just enough freedom for me to make my own decisions and have fun, but its also just enough structure that i dont have to do much thinking haha. so, i like it. im having fun. life is good.

i dont wanna work

2009-01-23T16:14:00.005-06:00

so, finals are over. =]

they weren't too bad actually.

the only ones that stressed me out were geometry and science.

but i just checked my grades online and i think i got A's on all of them. hopefully yeah.

but what this post is really about how nonexistent my social life is. aah. ive got things i want to do, like bowling, sledding, just plain old hanging out with kids, and people i want to do these things with too. ive got a lot of friends really, but no one seems to have the time for me, no one really wants to hang out ever. luckily ive got stuff to do this weekend because there's a basketball game and sam's kinda having a party thing afterwards [i think ill be the only girl there haha], plus soccer on sunday and zach, taylor, caleb, and other kids are going to be there, so ill have fun.

but on a normal weekend i dont have anything to do. like i go shopping with my mom, and occasionally there's a basketball game or i'll hang out with someone, but never on a regular basis. it kinda sucks =/ but, whatever. its just something i'll have to work on.

i feel so

2009-01-19T21:44:00.005-06:00

things are weird.

idk. finals are this week. things will be so nice when they're over. i wont be worrying about studying or how much everyone is stressed about it and things like that. things will be simpler.

right now im not really sure what to do about anything. im tired. not too bad i guess, but tired.

you got so much love in you

2009-01-15T12:32:00.006-06:00

so, wow.

i didnt mean for that last post to sound so emotional. but i was feeling pretty bad. we talked on the phone that night and about so many things and, idk. love is hard. what ashley said may have been right, and ive had all those same thoughts. like it was too short for it to be real love, just infatuation and i really just liked the way he treated me and were just not right because this kid really is kind of a player like everyone says.

but the things we talked about just make so much sense. like, maybe the love we have isnt quite the the type either of us needs atm? its hard to explain i guess. unless he was outright lying to me, he really does loves me, in a different way than he has other girls. so, im okay in the end. we still talk a lot and i still love him, even if im not in love with him and we cant really be together. things just cant work the way we want them to. its complicated. but it doesnt have to be figured out for it to be alright.

so im not upset anymore, im living day by day which always works, and things are going good really. im happy just knowing that ive got so much love in my life and theres a lot of people who really care about me. its all good in the end. =]

you can keep tellin those lies, ill keep singin these shitty love songs.

2009-01-11T16:12:00.005-06:00

so, things arent so great.

id like to talk about it,

but im still at the point where thinking about it too much makes me cry.

and its not all bad, really. im head over heels in love, and ive never felt so wonderful in my life. its amazing to have someone who cares so much about you that theyre willing to sacrifice how they feel so that you're okay. but it sucks to know that many of the things you've heard about someone are true in the end. and when something seems to good to be true, it usually is. things arent over, theres still some talking to do. its just hard. and confusing. high school is a social deathtrap. and i guess thats all ive got to say for now.

saint john [haha, yeah right]

2008-12-28T17:37:00.006-06:00

so, some big shit has been going down.

i mean, not really.

but you could say that.

actually winter break is pretty boring.

my mom and i did christmas just the two of us because my dad was in florida. it really bothered her, but i was really cool with it because we just chilled and had fun without him. it was good. i dont usually like christmas but this year was pretty nice. =]

im not really supposed to talk about this, but im kind of falling in love with zachs brother. maybe? yeah. thats weird for me to say, but im thinking its true. like, hes perfect. simple as that. ive heard that he's not, really. that hes going to hurt me because hes a player and a real douchebag. and i can see where girls have gotten that. but im taking a chance, and so far its paying off. =] its a little weird because i used to see him as like my big brother haha, but now its so much more than that. really. like, i love this kid. but he wants me to keep it a secret. and its kind of nice, but it hurts a little, i want to share this with everyone. but ultimately i can see the reasons for that, no one at school is going to understand and because hes 18 its not such a good idea, and his parents are pretty crazy, and really its not like we're dating or anything, he's not even my boyfriend. its different than that, and i know its not going to last forever, but thats kinda what i like about it.

so, thats that. idk if it made any sense. i just had to get that all out.

ive watched a shit load of movies over the break. i love movies a lot.

i got a new phone for christmas and i honestly didn't like it at first, but i do now. its really kind of nice. there's a couple things about it that bother me but ill get over it. its a good phone.

so, i think thats it. maybe ill edit this later as i remember whats been going down.

golden gate jumpers

2008-12-08T18:30:00.004-06:00

so saturday turned out okay. i didn't go to the run and i asked zach to go with me to get the tree, but he was grounded. i ended up going with my family and spending most of the day at church decorating for christmas, which wasn't bad, even if it was a little boring.

um, not much else has been going on lately. im scared shitless for finals really. they're still like a month or so away but im just scared because they're a new thing and im not sure how to study for them or anything. =/

i love my wii. i've gotta say. i haven't played it much, but once i get some new games ill be playing it a little more. id like to play it a lot but so far i haven't really had the time. i know i'll start using it more soon because it's a whole lot of fun. =]

oh i also think im going to throw a new years party. idk who would come but ill ask around and see if anyone would be interested. i like parties but ive never had one so im not so sure how it goes, i hope im fun enough for people other than ashley to be interested haha.

i want the whole meal not just the side dish

2008-11-30T22:35:00.004-06:00

damn. facebook is really addicting. i got one like friday and i haven't been able to stay away.

it snowed really nicely today, and everyone's like 'aah i hope they close school tomorrow' but i know they won't because we were just off for thanksgiving and the snow isn't even that bad.

im doing this run/walk thing on saturday with student leadership council and it just so happened to be on the same day my family was going with some other people to get our church christmas tree. this really sucks because i was going to ask zach if he wanted to come with and we could be all cold and have to snuggle together to get warm ;] but now i can't because of this dumb run =[ plus taylor's going to be running with stewart and his dog so i won't be able to hang out with her and holly didn't get her form in on time so she might not even be there. if im lucky zachs brother aaron [whos like my big brother too] or marcus will be there. idk, we'll see what happens

you were screaming something about how you hated the winter

2008-11-24T20:42:00.003-06:00

so i havent posted much lately about anything other than introspective things because they're all just so confusing.

like, really. im tired of not being able to say what i feel or just talk to people comfortably w/out being pressured to say [or not say] the right things. i just want to not think so much about things and do whatever comes to mind. when i think so much, i don't take so many chances and consequently my list of regrets just grows.

its like i've got these sides,

they've always been there, im sure everyone's got them, really.

there's this talkative, outgoing, and a little obnoxiously emotional kid who rushes into things without thinking and sometimes looks like a fool but always has fun doing it, there's this really shy and cautious kid who analyzes every move people make and doesn't take chances and always regrets them, and there's also this really cool kid who is thoughtful and casually confident and witty and just really cool, but is hiding under layers of nerdiness and uncertainty. at the beginning of the year all of these kids were one perfectly blended person all the time, but now im noticing distinct changes in the way i act around certain people and in certain places and i really don't like it. i really don't like how much it takes out of me and how unreal it all feels. it sucks, and im trying not to think about it, but the thought is there, constantly tugging at my brain like a child who wants a candy bar from his mother.

idk. i guess this post isn't really doing anything for the whole 'not thinking about it' thing, but its just so hard. =/

'a lot of wow factor'

2008-11-17T20:24:00.004-06:00

so, i've kinda been holding this in, and i just don't think i can anymore.

today i made a mistake.

i wore flip flops on todays field trip,

when my mom specifically told me not to.

i guess i told her i wouldn't, and i just changed my mind at the last second and threw some on before walking out the door. my dad didn't know or didn't care or something, so he mentioned something about it in casual conversation and my mom was, needless to say, unhappy. she made me put all my flip flops away for the winter.

im totally fucked.

like, i hate wearing shoes. i really love shoes, but just not wearing them. i have a really hard time keeping them on all day and tbh all the ones i have just make my feet look big because they are. all my shoes are really, like idk, i want to wear them (some of them) but they just don't look good.

so this has kinda made me think about who i am. idk if i know who i am atm. i think im where i want to be, but there's a lot of other things i want and a lot of things i don't really know about, like if im doing them for me or if im doing them for everyone else.

i guess this isn't really that big of a deal, it just feels like it is, you know? im just really confused right now. >.<

welcome to the end of the road

2008-11-11T22:07:00.002-06:00

so there's this kid.

and he has this youtube channel.

he's one of my favorite people in the universe, and i might be the only one who finds his videos funny because i kinda really like him a lot. ;] but i thought id let as many people know that i could because i want to share the lulz.

so here it is. watch some of the videos and they might make you chuckle. =]

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=PikeN1kes&view=videos

we've got these big city dreams

2008-11-01T21:30:00.003-05:00

so yesterday was halloween. it could've been worse tbh. i made my costume in like three hours. i spray painted a box silver and cut holes for my head, arms, and legs. i drew a control panel on the front and wrote coolbot 3000 on it because, you know, that's totally me. =] me and ashley went to beloit, even though my friend who lives there wasn't there, we still went around her neighborhood because we have been for a really long time. it was pretty cool, and a lot of people commented on my costume. we got home and didn't have anything to do so we walked down to pick n save, one of my favorite places to go at night. there wasn't much to do there since we didn't have any money. we also went to walgreens across the street because they have everything there. we saw these kids and kinda wanted to talk to them, but they left before we could say anything. on our way home, we saw them at mcdonalds. again, we didn't have any time to talk to them and after we got home, we got my mom to take us back so we could find them. haha, we did, and they were hanging out with a pimp and a couple dumb girls we know. one of them had halloween paint all over his arms and face and was like, hey, you're girls, do you know how to get this kind of stuff off? everything we suggested he had already tried, even the 'blow job' machine in the bathroom, haha a.k.a. the hand dryer.

all in all, it was a quiet but good day.

the real point of this entry was supposed to be about all the reasons why i desperately want a sibling [either a slightly older brother or a slightly younger sister], but i know that it would get really long and wordy and im pretty tired so i'll just leave it at that. =]

you're my favorite kind of creepy.

2008-10-18T21:54:00.004-05:00

so yesterday was the concert. it was better than i expected it to be, even though i wasn't quite sure what i expected. we hadn't been to the venue before and i'd heard a lot of bad things about it, but it turned out to be really really great.

we almost got lost on the way there, and i was freaking out because i didn't think we'd get there early enough to get a good spot in line, but it turned out to be great because there wasn't really a line at all and we somehow made our way into the smaller group of people that got to go in first and we didn't even wait more than ten minutes.

we got a great spot for the first band, sing it loud. after waiting for what was probably less than an hour they came on and i did not enjoy the fact that i hadn't memorized all the words to their songs yet and felt like a nerd. but i really liked the show they put on. they seemed like pros and got the crowd really involved and were having so much fun on stage. i just loved watching the looks on their faces and their dancing and everything. after their set, we moved back a little in the crowd to get out of the really intense section and met these really great kids. they were the loud obnoxious ones that were doing all the pushing and moshing [which was really funny because how could you mosh to sing it loud and ftsk?]. one had a mohawk [evan] and the other one looked kinda like perez hilton and had a lot of buttons [i think his name was jake], then there was this other really enthusiastic kid who had a hat on and these two guys who i thought were twins because they looked exactly alike. they made me realize that its not fun when you're being pushed around, but when you're doing the pushing its so much more fun. i felt a little mean being part of the moshpit, remembering the ap tour and how horrible it got because of that group of kids behind us who would not stop being dumb, but it was extremely fun, which is all that matters.

i kindof enjoyed hit the lights, but they had their vocals up way to loud and it was hard to understand them. they weren't as interesting or fun as sing it loud, but i knew more of the words to their songs and i do like their music. im pretty sure that it was during their set that our friends moshed the most. i remember there was this girl behind me who had braced her arms against my back, so every time someone pushed into me, i would run into her arms and it kinda hurt a lot. during the time in between hit the lights and forever the sickest kids, jake and evan were like, we need to lift someone now, who wants to be lifted? and i was like, fuck yes me please. they got me up on their shoulders [which i must admit was awkward because evan is a lot taller than jake] and i was happy because just then they played chokechain by 3OH!3 and i did the hand symbol and everyone else in the crowd saw me and did it along with me. the security has pretty strict rules about that thing, and they hit me with their flashlights pretty quick, but i still enjoyed it.

then forever the sickest kids came on and i was incredibly excited. i cant even describe how much i love them. it was great to hear how excited everyone else was for them, too. because at the ap tour i felt like i was the only kid in the crowd who was there to see them. but during their first song, im pretty sure it was catastrophe, i think someone hit my face and my glasses went flying. i was scared out of my mind, but we got everyone to clear a circle really fast and get out their phones for light and evan miraculously found them completely unscathed. like, they weren't bent or scratched or anything. he pretty much saved my life, that boy. i enjoyed ftsk so much though. jonathan had an adorable headband on and kept doing this thing with his mic stand and austin kept making hilarious faces/noises and kyle's hair was amazing. jonathan told us about their campaign to buy a well for a tribe in africa. they are the coolest kids on the block, no syke.

after the kids were done, they were like 'we're gonna be hanging out at our merch table between our set and the cobras, so come see us and we'll chat'. we went to buy merch and talk to them, but i guess we didn't look hard enough, but we couldn't find them and wanted to get a good spot to see cobra starship so we just went back. we met the really enthusiastic kid in the hat and he led me and ashley through the crowd to evan and jake. sometime during cobras set we lost them though. i absolutely loved watching cobra starship. gabe was probably the coolest guy on earth, and i just, i dont know, but i really really enjoyed everything he did. from his dancing and his outfit to his interaction with vicky and him making ryland shake his ass for us. they just work so well together and have so much fun. i love that about them. at one point gabe pointed out our friend with the mohawk and told a story about how kids used to be really stereotypical and only hung out with kids who looked exactly like them and the kids who had mohawks didn't hang out with the kids like him for wearing this one brand of sweatshirt and he really liked us for being accepting of each other and a whole bunch of other stuff. during snakes on a plane they brought this guy on stage to rap travis' verse and talked about how he was a child molester. after they were done and the crowd was chanting for one more song, ryland came back out and took us to 'pleasure ryland', and they played another song about pleasure [guilty pleasure] and gabe told us to never be afraid to shake our asses and ryland called him his 'favorite kind of creepy'. which i liked a lot.

it was a really good time. im going to have to go back to that venue more often because it was really great. =]

words are just words, and you're just drunk

2008-10-12T22:33:00.003-05:00

so yesterday was homecoming. aah it was great!

the actual dance wasn't as cool as i expected it to be, tbh, but the company was great. =]

so early in the day i went to the mall with my mom for her fashion show. yeah, i know. it was for that store christopher and banks. she's kind of a regular customer and is friends with a bunch of the employees so when they announced that their store was having a little fashion show with customers as models, she was one of the first people they asked. she was really nervous for it but i think she had fun, it was a really nice little confidence boost for her. =]

after that, we picked up taylor and went back home to get ready for the dance. she took a million years curling her hair, but it was okay because she curled mine too. she ended up dropping her necklace down our sink, which was too bad. we've been trying to get it out, but we haven't yet. i think we're calling some plumber guy tomorrow, i know we'll get it out eventually. anyway, she pressured me into calling zach and keegan to ask them if they wanted to meet at pizza hut, which im so glad i did because the night would've been so boring without them.

we met at pizza hut at 7, and zach was late like he always is. his sister came in and took pictures of us. it took us a long time to get our food and there were a couple kids there that we knew and talked to for a while. at first it was a little awkward because we were in dressy clothes and a new situation and stuff, but once we got our food and started joking around it was a lot of fun. the meal was like forty five bucks, which keegan offered to pay but i was like no way and we all payed for our own share.

at this point it was like past eight o clock, but we didn't feel like going to the dance yet, so we went to zach's house and hung out for a while. we played pool [i lost horribly to keegan] and a little rock band before his parents kinda kicked us out. they drove us the couple hundred yards to the school in the really snazzy van they have. taylors friend ashley with the fake blue contacts was really upset that we weren't there on time, because apparently she doesn't have any other friends and was standing on the wall by herself for an hour. it took a while for the dance to actually be fun, but once we started dancing it wasn't bad. i didn't wear my glasses and a lot of people noticed. they said i looked nice, which made me really happy. =] zach's completely gorgeous brother aaron [who ended up being the homecoming prince] kinda danced really close to me a few times, which i was totally okay with haha. other than that, grinding is pretty gross, tbh. apparently thats the only way girls know how to dance. i loved watching the guys dance because they have so much fun no matter what they do, but all girls seem to want to do is whore it up with each other. i thought the decorations were pretty lame and the music could have been better, but all in all it was a fun time.

after the dance and hugs goodbye and pictures taken, me, taylor, keegan and zach walked back to zach's house. my heels were sinking into the grass so zach carried me a little. when we got there, we played some more rock band. i completely failed at the singing because i didn't know the song at all, but i completely owned at the bass and the drums. on easy. after that, some of zach's brother's senior friends came over and we went upstairs to play the wii. i did really good at bowling until zach started tickling me. but ahaha i was totally fine with it. my mom came to pick us up at like 12:30 before we finished the game and i was completely retarded and didn't realize that would've been the perfect time to hug zach. but w/e, i still had a lot of fun. taylor borrowed my mom's necklace, my sweatshirt, a clip and a couple other things she forgot to give back to me.

today i slept until like one in the afternoon, and then we went to a concert for the local symphony orchestra because one of my dads friends, who's probably the coolest guy ever, was the featured piano player. it was a very good concert, but it lasted like three hours and it was really hard not to fall asleep. after that we went to our favorite chinese restaurant with this guys family like we do on holidays and special occasions. i texted zach pretty much the whole time, which i need to stop doing because i used a whole lot of minutes that i don't really have. [good thing i bought some more with my bday money or id be in deep shit because im not supposed to text at all and i used more than half my money in a week.] me and zach talked about a lot of things and i guess we're hanging out on halloween. don't worry ashley, you can come too =]

so that was my weekend. i had a really good time.

im going to go to sleep now so i can wake up so i can have energy tomorrow

but im stuck here wasting time

2008-10-08T22:23:00.005-05:00

so i went to cherryvale mall today.

i stepped into hot topic and they had all these superhero shirts, and im like, oh okay w/e way to be behind the times hot topic. superhero day was today. thanks a whole lot. but they had this shirt that was like a tuxedo shirt kinda, but instead of a tuxedo front, it had the front of the joker's jacket. it was purple and had like a flower in the pocket and a green ruffly looking shirt underneath and it was only fifteen dollars. i didn't get it, but i plan on going back for it like next week.

um, ive been listening to the rocket summer like all night long and i had forgotten how much i really love bryce. but now i remember and i don't plan on forgetting again. =]

you could love me if i knew how to lie

2008-10-07T21:43:00.005-05:00

so today they announced student council reps. =]

i got in and i am so excited for it.

aaron told me he rigged the election and i almost believe him.

oh shit that reminds me, i kinda stole his sharpie and i need to give it back. fifth hour is a good time.

oh yeah, speaking of people with the last name eicher, i think ill be going over to their house soon to watch spaceballs. zach pretty much flipped his shit when i told him i hadn't seen it and i think he was hinting around an invitation to his house to watch it, but he never said it outright. maybe ill ask him later in the week. thursday would be a good day if i don't have too much homework and he doesn't have soccer practice, even if he did it would be okay, i'd like to watch him.

anyway, i had a lot of fun at marching practice tonight lmao. me and keegan and zach stayed after and hung out in the choir hallway when zach was supposed to be in musical practice. jeremy and i got into a fight during the actual marching part of the rehearsal, but then he gave me the longest hug i think ive gotten in a while and everyone thought we were making out, haha. i got my uniform and everyone liked the scarf i was wearing, zach asked where my coat came from. =] UGH SPENCER had a discussion with me about how he has a crush on me and i told him that i 'had my eye on someone', lmao. toward the end aaron and taylor utzig came in the band room and there were a lot of piggy back rides and people playing the wrong instruments and when it was time to leave there were a lot of crazy goodbyes and talk of paper mache. i dont think aaron enjoys taking taylor home after musical rehearsal every day because he had an annoyed face on when we were talking about how she lives on the other side of town and he lives within walking distance of school. she has an even more crazy crush on him than i do, and she needs to learn to not be so, idk, not pushy but demanding? clingy? overbearing? with people she likes. she did that with wyatt too, and i want to slap her because it doesn't get her anywhere. they just get annoyed with her, which sucks because inside she's really a good kid, just over enthusiastic.

um, this post wasn't really that interesting i guess.

it was mostly just me listing my thoughts. thanks for reading if you did. =]

tomorrow is superhero day and i have no idea what to wear. ive got a batman cape but idk if i want to wear that to school...

an insult to the dead

2008-10-06T21:02:00.005-05:00

so i saw that adorable movie everyone's been talking about, nick and norah's infinite playlist, on saturday. i thought it was pretty great, and i would love to read the book. the music was as great as i expected it to be. =]

i guess thats all i really have to say. homecoming is on saturday. i've kind of got a whole lot of shit going on in the week before hand. tomorrow and thursday there's band practice after school, one of those days i have to get a uniform. tomorrow and wednesday before school there's also drumline practice which i have to go to, even though im not a percussionist. also, thursday is the replacement of burning of the v, some fireworks and a little pep rally thing, and parker playhouse. friday morning is student leadership council before school [im so sure i got on the council, they announce it tomorrow and im excitedd], a pep rally at the end of the day that i have to play with the band for, and the homecoming football game after school. saturday is my mom's fashion show [haha! im so happy for her], and then taylor's coming over to get ready for the dance, which is later that night. its a busy fucking week, but i don't have a problem with it. it's not like i've got anything else to do.

but speaking of band, im really really tired of playing the trumpet. i would switch to percussion and play the bells and other auxiliary things like the woodblock and triangle and cowbell and work my way up to the quads and stuff. i honestly would, i want to so badly. but the director [my dad] really needs trumpets who can play well, and there are like ten thousand percussionists already, so there's no way it's going to happen. maybe in a couple years. =/

oh and one more thing. in our science book today for some reason it said george washington's teeth were not made out of wood like everyone thought, but actually made of hippopotamus bone. so everyone was all ugh gross and jared beighley didn't understand so i drew him a picture of a hippopotamus skeleton and sam fischer was all, 'thats what kyle and jareds babies are going to look like' because he's a dummy, and wrote 'kyle + jared = hippos' on it. i'd love to upload it and show it to you guys because it's kind of crazy adorable, but i left it at school. =[

sorry you have to hear this again ashley

2008-10-01T21:09:00.007-05:00

so this morning, zachary was late to drumline practice. when i asked him why, he told me this story.

"oh yeah, im not very good at doing things on time. so i woke up and took a shower, put on some plaid shorts and tripped and fell over in my bedroom. i took like a thirty minute nap on my floor. it was actually pretty nice."

i dont think ive made any posts about this kid yet. idk how to describe him other than ugh. i have the biggest crush ive ever had on anyone in my life. i don't even think thats an exaggeration. the crazy thing is though, i also kinda have a crush on his brother, which is dumb but unfortunately true. they're almost the same person really. its just that zach is my age and doesn't have add.

im pretty sure he likes me too. i catch him looking at me constantly, and he didn't deny it when my friend accused him of being in love with me today, haha. idk, you never know for sure. his mom works with my mom and she's told her stories about how last year apparently girls never left him alone, so im trying to take things slow and develop a good friendship before rushing into a relationship or something without forming some kind of bond to fall back on. because i hate awkwardness. [who doesn't?]

so im going to stop now, before i get carried away.

i wish i didn't talk/think about this kid so much.

ugh im hungry

2008-09-27T21:27:00.008-05:00

my dad left yesterday for the badger game in michigan. he's not supposed to be home until really late tomorrow i think.

so me and my mom decided to do whatever we felt like today. she really wanted to see that movie nights in rodanthe so we drove to johnson creek to see it. they have a really swanky theater that has this great stadium seating and pretty good popcorn. but anything is great compared to the theaters in janesville tbh. we noticed that when we came back home to see burn after reading at the movies ten. both movies were good. i didn't think nights in rodanthe was going to be good at all. i thought i knew what was going to happen and that it was just going to be a dumb chick flick, but it was actually pretty good. i cried. =] because i always cry at movies. it was just the whole situation kinda touched me, even though i think they fell in love a little unrealistically. and the theater was full of dumb ladies that oohed and ahed at richard gere. ugh. oh and i remembered how much i like james franco. =]

i liked burn after reading, too. it was a little dumb and slow-paced, but some parts were hilarious and i really liked george clooney's character.

um, i had more to say, i really did.

maybe ill edit this later and add whatever i remember.

editt: i guess i wanted to talk about the game yesterday. it was a lot of fun, but i think that dumb boy zach needs to stop fucking with me! he didn't show up before we left for the game and i was worried that he wouldn't show. he ended up getting there just a little after we did. then he hung out with kimberly [in our geometry class] a whole lot and barely talked to me for the first half of the game. then, the second half he [and nate] flirted with me like there was no tomorrow. also, when he was about to leave, i couldn't tell if he wanted me to hug him or if he just wanted to get out of there. ugh! its like being in every class with wyatt all over again! i just dont know what to do.

california sunshine, tennessee rain

2008-09-23T21:01:00.003-05:00

so, sunday was my birthday.

im fifteen. =]

and, im going to kinda copy chad sugg.

by making 15 resolutions for the next year.

1. kiss that dumb boy.

2. play a lot more piano.

3. finish learning how to play the guitar.

4. try out for next year's musical!

5. join a few more clubs [human relations, science club, maybe vic tutoring]

6. god, please finish writing a story.

7. buy a new belt. don't stop wearing the old one, just get a new one.

8. take a fucking art class.

9. go to warped tour.

10. become passionate about something.

11. lighten up about some things

12. and get serious about others.

13. get a facebook. maybe.

14. never talk to lonnie again.

15. write a song [more than just a melody and some lyrics. a song.]

okay so for my birthday i got a laptop, and my dad used his educator status to get a free ipod touch. so :D im pretty excited. also today i bought a shirt off the internet and we finally ordered the concert tickets!! aah cobra starship, forever the sickest kids, hit the lights and sing it loud! its crazy how excited i am.

so i guess that's it. i've had a whole lot of homework so i haven't been on much, but im trying. =]

baby we belong alone

2008-09-14T21:19:00.003-05:00

oh man i am not feeling good today.
my ears hurt and feel really full, and
that whole area that connects your ears to your throat and
my lymph nodes and that area under the jaw hurt and
my nose is runny/stuffy and
my throat is scratchy.
and it really sucks.

i think its because of the game on friday.
i had a whole lot of fun and it even inspired
the first story i've written from start to finish in a day =]
about me and the kid im totally crushing on atm, haha.
its not as dumb as it sounds, i promise.
but it rained the whole time and i was yelling a lot
and i think that's what caused it.
but idk, ill go to the doctor
if its not better by tuesday.

but anyway,
allie called me and was like,
'want to go to my house for lunch tomorrow?'
she was going to make me the type of lunch she eats
all vegetarian and all natural and everything
because she lives like a few blocks from school.
and my parents asked, 'oh what did allie call about?'
and they were not for it at all.
so idk what ill do.
because my dad actually supervises my lunch hour,
so its not like i can just leave, he'll probably be watching me.
this is one of the times that the whole
'parents working at school' thing
sucks ass.
damn.

safely from the city

2008-09-09T20:53:00.001-05:00

so at band camp last year they somehow got this cool little band called locksley to play for us marching band nerds. i really enjoyed the show and was super upset because that was the one day i forgot to bring my camera. i think i filled up a whole notebook page with 'fuck fuck fuck i forgot my camera'. they're a nice group of guys.
apparently locksley is mtv's band of the week or w/e. i've seen one of their videos on mtvu like a million times this week and it makes me pretty happy to see them go from playing at university of madison summer music clinic to mtv. even if they're not top sellers or anything, they've come so far in little over a year. =]

uh, i thought i had more to say in this entry, i really did. but i forgot, i guess. i could write about how fun the football game on saturday was, or how much i did not enjoy the vma's, but i don't have the energy for it right now.

my feet are moving, but im going nowhere

2008-09-06T20:33:00.003-05:00

i've been able to think of nothing but this for the past few days.

i wish i could control my heart.
to be perfectly honest, i have intense crushes on like five different people atm.
[im not going to name any of them just in case any of my rl friends happen to read this, but don't worry ashley, connor is not one of them, even though he's probably the most adorable kid ever, haha]
i guess what i said in my last entry about 'figuring out who i want to pursue to date' isn't really what i wanted to say. i just wish i could control my feelings stop falling for every kid i meet and maybe concentrate on one person? im not sure. i just really really like all these kids and all i can do is plan out how things could possibly go with each of them in my mind. im not ready to risk losing any of them as friends if i alienate them by showing an interest in one specifically. plus there's other factors that im not really willing to share with anyone yet because i dont know what the repercussions may be. ugh, this is so fucking frustrating.
i need to stop thinking about it so much. what i need to do is just concentrate on school and try not to do anything about this dumb situation; if something is meant to be, it will show itself right? that's how everything else has managed to turn out so great in my life, tbh. something has happened to distract me from all the shit i worry about, and i revert back to who i really am and things work out great.
its just, i've never had any real relationships. i mean, yeah im not even fifteen [two weeks!], i shouldn't be worried about love or anything. but, like i said, im almost fifteen and haven't fucking been kissed yet because i didn't take the chance and im kinda holding out for it at this point. im not good at taking risks and taking chances, and im really good at regrets.
so, i need to fix that.

i also kinda need to fix my view on reality.
im a really perceptive person, and i feel like ive got superpowers sometimes because i can see straight through most people [except that fucking dumb amazing kid aaron] and i feel like i know the reasons why they do things the way they do and how they see things and idk, im not into conflicts because i know that every person, including myself obviously, has some really great things about them and some really shitty things about them and being mad at them won't fix the shitty parts. i don't want it to seem like im saying that im the smartest kid ever or im right all the time or anything because its not that big of a deal and it happens to everyone at one point or another...
anyway, this whole thing kinda leaves me stuck between how things are in real life and what should be fair for everyone, how things should be, you know?
it kinda stresses me out because i like to fix things. i want to do things to make everyone feel the way they should, to make the right things happen to the right kids and i dont care what happens to me because all that matters is the fact that everyone else is okay and i can deal with whatever comes along.
but then there's reality and the fact that im really a selfish person sometimes and im not too good at stepping outside of my comfort zone for long periods of time. and there's the fact that i can't fix things for everyone because some things cant be fixed by just a hug and a promise to listen and advice from a young kid like me who has constantly changing interests [and uses too many words and run on sentences >.<].
its kinda hard.
but its not really a big deal in the end, because at this point i pretty much live my life on a day-by-day basis and i don't think i need to worry about fixing the world's problems at this time in my life no matter how much i want to.

we're gonna have us a champagne jam

2008-09-04T21:50:00.002-05:00

so i think im going to lose my mind about this fucking cobra/ftsk and friends tour. my dad's being all ~noncomittal about it, and idk if ashley's mom can take us and i have zero friends who can drive to milwaukee [and who my parents would trust. ahaha i bet aaron eicher would take me if i asked nicely!] ugh, i wish justin lived close enough to take us. because one, he would totally take us, and two, his town only has a walmart and i think he really needs to get out of there if he wants to go anywhere with his music. im just really hoping that all this holdup won't be for much longer and i'll get tickets because im so scared that it'll sell out! aah!!
allie asked me if i wanted to go see metro station with her in november, and omg i would love that so much, but idk, i still really want to see all time low and the academy is and my parents are really against concerts, especially in milwaukee and chicago of course. plus idk if allie still smokes and i hope she knows im not into that kind of thing.

i shouldn't be freaking out about this kind of thing, but i don't want to miss out on all the fun while im still a kid. i mean, ive heard so much from older people that 'high school was the best time of my life', 'man i wish i was that young again, i got into so much shit' etc, and i want to take advantage of this as much as i can. i know how fast the time passes, and if i can't slow it down i guess i've got to just buckle up for the ride, you know?

which brings me to the topic of how much i am enjoying school, now that it's started again. i'm already lacking on sleep, and no matter how much breakfast i eat, im deathly hungry by second hour and its incredibly hard to find a place to sit at lunch and im a little scared about all the work this is going to be, and im kinda caught in this crazy predicament of who i want to pursue to date [omg this is an interesting story that i don't plan on telling, sorry, maybe some other time] but i've managed to have so much fun already in the first three days of school that i cant even describe it. it's scary but really great.

also; chiodos makes me smile. so does sky eats airplane. a lot.

goodbye summer

2008-09-01T22:03:00.001-05:00

until next year. =]

saw you fake it

2008-08-31T22:47:00.000-05:00

i really really think that someone should buy me this for my birthday. im not sure what i would want it to be about, but since max is my ~hero and everything, i cant describe how much this would mean to me.

my sweatshirt smells like campfire, but not the nice kind. we decided to have a camprife to kindof celebrate the end of summer. it wasn't as exciting as it sounds. i love fires, but not ones with just my parents and in my backyard. it didn't smell nice either. =/

no trucks beyond atwood avenue

2008-08-30T17:46:00.006-05:00

my teeth dont really feel much better today.
but thats okay because im used to it now.

today we went shopping,
even though i didn't get up until like one o'clock, haha.
i didn't really get anything exciting other than hit the lights' album.
i like it a lot. =]

but im pretty upset about my tai shirt.
i bought a small, slim fit even, and it is absolutely huge.
usually i buy shirts too big for me and get dissapointed about it,
but this one is actually the right size, it must be cut wrong or something.
idk, i haven't washed it yet, maybe it will shrink.
my mom can always take it in, she's a good sewer.
while she's at it, i'll probably have her do my ftsk shirt and backseat goodbye shirt as well.

i had a dream last night about school.
it wasn't in the school that im actually going to, and i got horribly lost.
but the boys from panic at the disco came to my rescue, haha.
no one knew who they were, and they thought they were all big nerds
so i was the only kid sitting by them at lunch.
it was a little awkward, but not bad. =]

id really like some jones soda.
i think we're about to go to the grocery store so
maybe i'll pick some up.

[editt; haha! i ended up getting jones soda in cans because i need something to drink at school next week. plus its such a good deal. =] also i think the title for this entry would make a good song title, or maybe beyond atwood or beyond atwood avenue would be a good name for a band. just a thought]

never learn, never knew

2008-08-29T21:43:00.006-05:00

yeah i just made a post, but i have a lot more to say,
and i am going to say it.

all of a sudden i rediscovered my intense love for that great band patent pending.
go listen to them please because they are pretty great.

we decided that since its the last weekend of summer that we were going to be spontaneous and travel wherever we want, whenever we want. i like this idea. we took a two point five hour trip to the wisconsin dells today to go to an outlet mall that was kinda dumb and we ended up seeing hamlet two at the amazing theater they have up there. i liked that movie a lot, haha, it was great. my mom didnt understand it/didn't like it because it talked about gay people, the way she feels about every movie except chick flicks. my dad couldn't decided if he liked it or not because he thought it was kinda dumb and not well made but he laughed a lot and i liked it and that automatically means he has to like it. so, whatever. i thought it was good.

to get back on the topic of writing again, because i wasn't finished, on the way up i started a story based off the amazing movie i watched recently called some like it hot. its black & white, from the late fifties and has been called the funniest movie ever made. haha. i wrote the title of my story and couldn't start it, so i moved on to another one based on something that actually happened to me at my county fair. its kind of cute but not very funny. i think i wrote ten lines, maybe and moved on to a cute little lyric thing ive been thinking about for the past few days about seatbelts. then i saw a hot air balloon and a cute guy in the car next to me and stopped writing because i couldn't concentrate any more.

i think i have such a problem writing stories because apparently i have a really short attention span all of a sudden. i write anonymous letters about all my secrets all the time on this 'dear you' community on livejournal and i enjoy it. i can concentrate and finish a letter because i usually write them like this:
in lines
that are usually
three to ten words long.

like that book 'sharp teeth'
that was written in
freeverse poetry.

it was a good book
and it inspired me a little.
but thats not the reason
i write like that.

it just makes sense to me.

so, maybe school will bring me back to earth. maybe having to write papers and essays again will retrain me to write in full sentences and complete thoughts. that might be a good thing.
ill post whatever else comes to mind on my livejournal so i can put it under a cut and it wont take up as much space.

things are going according to plan

2008-08-29T20:59:00.006-05:00

i deleted that post that said 'angst angst angst' because i didn't like two really short posts next to each other like that. plus its not like i was going to explain what it was about or anything.

i actually wrote a list of what i wanted this entry to be about.
the first thing on that list was 'nightmare'
aka the fucking nightmare before christmas dvd. aah i am so exited about itt. i always manage to miss it on cartoon network, and idk if its ever been released before but i have it now and thats all that matters. :D haha they had this super special boxed one that had this dress up jack in it and it came with a couple outfits and all this extra stuff and i was like, lmao i bet pete wentz has that.

the second thing on the list was 'twloha'
because i finally got a to write love on her arms shirt. i'd buy a million if i could, tbh. especially the 'pick up the phone' one. because i believe in that a whole lot. i ended up getting this one and im happy about it. its on backorder though, so it'll be like a month before i get it. but idrc because im showing support either way =]

the third thing on the list was 'old post (blogger)' because of whats up there, but the fourt thing was 'teeth etc'
i got rubberbands on my braces today, again. even though im in a bunch of pain and i cant open my mouth far enough to sing along with all my favorite songs that i love to do so fucking much, its okay because in like a week i'll get used to them and ill remember how much i really really love them. idk why, i guess im retarded but i do.

then we went to wisconsin dells and i wrote something on my hand to remember to add to the list of things to post when i got home. that was 'writing stories is hard for me, as are many other things.'
i guess i wrote this because i really really like writing. like, i like to write as much as i like jon walker. probably more. its just hard for me to write coherent things. ive got like three or four story beginnings, one ending [which is actually pretty great because i finished it and its cute] and a lot of character planning, plot planning, lyrics/half poems etc. floating around in a few different notebooks. none of these things are longer than three pages. =/ because its hard for me to finish my thoughts, i guess. my thoughts go to fast for my hands to write, and i can never seem to find the perfect place or time to write because inspiration strikes at the worst possible moments and ugh it just doesn't work! im thinking i might get a laptop so i can easily and quickly write whenever and wherever i want when the inspiration strikes. maybe i can get my dad to lend me sibelious and buy me a synth and a keytar so i can make music too, because you know, im ~good at that kind of thing. and maybe i can be an astronaut. there's a lot of things i want, but just wanting isnt going to get me anything, thats nothing new.
i dont know. a surprising amount of things are really hard for me. id list them, but this entry is already long enough. =]

phantom always

2008-08-28T22:27:00.004-05:00

i like people who like cats.

because i like cats too.

today is saturday

2008-08-23T21:30:00.003-05:00

so i bought fast times at barrington high today, finally. i agree with everyone who says its more like almost here than santi, but i dont really think you should think of it like that. i really loved santi, but almost here is great too, and now so is ftabh. they're all different and good no matter how you compare them to each other. im just mad at william for having the guy version of my hairstyle. his is shorter and obviously brown but its still unfair.

but the point of this entry is, i am very excited about something. i went to hot topic today [and ended up buying two shirts because they were on sale] to look for an album. this album is called dressed up like dreams, by this kid chad sugg, aka backseat goodbye. i am very very proud of him. =] chad is this amazing musician who has worked his ass off and not been accepted by a lot of kids in the scene [you may have seen him in ap a few months ago if you read it]. he's released six albums and multiple ep's by himself, and just recently has turned it into an enterprise and released a book called monsters under your head and is probably the most amazing person on earth. chad signed a distribution contract not too long ago and now his album is being sold in hot topic stores all over the country. i went there today for the sole purpose of holding his sixth album in my hands for the first time in a retail store. i did, and aah it was so great! =]
also, if this kid was ten years younger, he'd probably be my soulmate lmao. we are so much alike its crazy. =/ apparently he hasn't had a girlfriend in ten thousand years, but i really hope he meets someone nice who doesn't take advantage of his sensitivity.

idk if im glad about band camp being over tbh. it was really hard playing the trumpet for three hours straight every day, but i met the coolest people in the world. my dad's the director [aah] but it was okay because all the senior guys seemed to think i was cool for it and talked to me a lot. we talked about how much we go to the grocery store and what flavors of vitamin water we like and how my dad should shave his mustache and how i dont do anything and how flip flops are the best way to kill flies. nate was on crutches for the fifth time in the past three years, and i asked him to make me a sandwich and he did, but i ended up giving it to mitchell because it had butter on it and i thought it was gross. overall, it was a lot of fun. i also have mixed feelings about band day, the day where a bunch of high school bands play at the college football game because its going to be all day long and none of my good friends are going. so idk, we'll see what happens.

i guess that's it. i am very excited for ashley to come over next week because i haven't seen her face in a while and i would like to.

for ashley

2008-08-19T21:44:00.002-05:00

so my schedule for this year is:

first- french II, behn
second- physical education, moen [2nd semester is health with lee]
third- western civilization, conway
fourth- geometry, idk who the teacher is, it was a misprint...
fifth- physical science honors, olson
sixth- concert band, my dad lmao
seventh- accelerated english 9-10 honors, coats
eighth- advisory, bouska

so i guess that's all there is for that.
band camp is really hard tbh.
for three hours a day, all week.
its so fucking sweaty like you couldn't believe in that room
and im sitting by all these older guys who are totally nice and funny and everything
they're kinda intimidating, but its okay because im kinda used to it.
and i think ill have permanent scars on the insides of my lips
from my braces. its a lot of pain. =/

the june spirit

2008-08-18T19:29:00.007-05:00

so this is the list of shows i want to see this fall.
a couple of them are possible.
there's some others [like nevershoutnever and does it offend you, yeah? and a few in deep south illinois] that i didn't add because they're too far away/out of my grasp as a fifteen year old kid with dumb parents and zero friends of age.

all time low [with mayday parade, the maine and every avenue]
november 14 - the rave, milwaukee
november 15 and 16 - house of blues, chicago

cobra starship [with forever the sickest kids, hit the lights and sing it loud omg if i miss this tour ill die]
october 15 - house of blues, chicago
october 17 - the rave, milwaukee

the academy is [with we the kings, carolina liar and hey monday]
november 1 - the eagles club, milwaukee
november 6 - house of blues, chicago

panic at the disco [with dashboard confessional, plain white t's and the cab.]
october 22 - allstate arena, rosemont il [i want to see this so bad, but there's a football game that day. if i have a really cool friend who will take me and if i can talk my way out of the game, ill be there fo sho.]

motion city soundtrack
september 17 - the canopy club, urbana il

farewell
september 18 - mojoes coffeehouse, tinley park il

thats it, i guess. i thought there was more. the one that i'll most likely be able to go to is the academy is on november 1. and the two in september are the least likely. =/ ive heard that the rave is 18+ only and in a bad neighborhood, lots of drugs etc., but i'll check it out.
keeping my fingers crossed. =]

chi-town

2008-08-16T13:51:00.004-05:00

so yesterday i went to chicago with ashley, lauren and morgan.
i lost my first staring contest with a guy on a bus, but it was okay because he gave me a thumbs up. a lot of things at the aquarium scared me, but that was okay too because i like aquariums a lot. navy pier was a little boring and the walk we took was like ten million miles long but that was also okay because we had a whole lot of fun on the spinning chair thing and i bought some great lemonade. the water taxi we took was amazing. i didn't know how much i liked boats, but now i do. =] we laughed a lot, which made it a good day.

its hard to describe how intensely i want to live in a big city like that. well, more like i wish i was raised in a big city like that, so i knew how it all worked and stuff, you know? i mean, i don't live in a tiny town or anything, but i used to, and its not like where i live now is the biggest city on the map either. idk, i just like big-city life and i wish i had all the opportunities and different situations that a place like chicago provides.

and idk what's wrong with me, but i feel pretty angsty lately. like there's something huge missing from my life and no matter what i try to fill it with, its only temporary. i guess it's a good thing school is starting soon so i can have things to think about other than how empty everything feels. =/

clothess

2008-08-14T22:22:00.003-05:00

so we went shopping in madison today.
im so so happy about everything i got. first i went to h&m and got this kickass purple sweatshirt that just screamed gabe saporta!
i couldn't resist. and i like it a whole lot. i'll prolly wear it every day for the rest of my life.
i also got a green and purple striped long sleeve shirt that is mostly green and a whitish/grey scarf that i absolutely love to death.
again there were some great red skinny jeans that were the right size, and the right color this time, but i didn't get them because idk, i dont think i'd have anything to wear them with. maybe i should get some bright blue or green ones. idk.
then we went to zumiez [probably my new favorite store of all time] and finally bought the fucking shoes. they absolutely made my life. omg. when i asked the girl, they just so happened to have my size, and she pointed out that they just so happened to match what i was wearing perfectly, and a girl had just so happened to buy them right before me and was all, 'omg you have to get them, they are super comfortable and i love them a lot.' so i was like, fuck it, these are mine.
i also got the glamour kills shake shimmy etc shirt and i didn't buy this shirt and an even better scarf, but i wanted them really badly. my mom ran into an old friend of hers and they talked for a super long time while i decided whether or not to get the shoes and talked a lot with the employees. idk what it is, but i usually get really reserved and quiet when employees talk to me, but they were just the coolest people ever. the girl i talked to the most was so adorable. she acted like we were best friends and i just wanted to put her in my pocket and keep her forever. haha i know, thats a dumb metaphor, but its exactly what i wanted to do, and she was so small i probably could've. then there was this other girl who was a total diva, but she was still pretty cool, and this guy who was sweet and funny. aaah they were awesome.
then, idk, we did a lot of other shopping for my mom and stuff, but i was okay because i just bought the shoes ive wanted since forever. they look pretty great, too. =]

so yeah, im pretty excited about life right now. im just deciding what to wear to chi-town tomorrow. i don't want to over do it, haha. me and ashley are going with my church youth group to the shedd aquarium and to the navy pier. its going to be awesome. =]

batman

2008-08-11T20:41:00.002-05:00

so today i went shopping for school supplies and was overcome with the intense desire for batman. everything batman. well, im not dumb, so that didn't happen, haha. but i did buy a poster for the dark knight. you know, the one w/the joker and the 'why so serious?' in blood that scared me back in january. then i got home and put it up and was like OMG I HAVE A BATMAN CAPE NO SHIT. and i wore it for the rest of the day. except for when we went grocery shopping, when i bought some spongebob stickers and batman fruit snacks and pistachio muffins and pokemon macaroni and cheese [i've been looking for a box that hat turtwig shaped noodles because he's my favorite pokemon and i finally found them!!]. and there were flyers for six flags, [which im hopefully going to for fright fest w/ashley! one of my camp counselors works there and i want to see her super bad.] and i remembered that batman is my favorite roller coaster on earth. honestly, even if it wasn't batman themed, it would be my favorite. i would like it if it was care bear themed. i dont care. it rocks my world. so, yeah. that totally fueled my batman love for today.
but, yeah. i really really want to see the dark knight again. idk why really, but i cant wait six months until it comes out on video to see it again. it was so good.

and aww, i watched a knights tale on tbs yesterday at like 1am and ngh i just love heath ledger so much. =[ not only because he was crazy adorable, he was also a really really great actor [haha, like thats even, you know, ~relevant]. i was thinking about all the movies ive seen him in, and i cant believe how diverse his roles were. i like to think that i'll do real acting when i get older and, idk how to say this without being cheesy and cliche but, i think his death really opened my eyes to how hard, how demanding acting really is and he, along with others, really inspred me to consider pusuing it.
idk. i didnt mean that to be so serious, it was kindof just a fleeting thought, but its something to think about.

oh

2008-08-10T00:02:00.002-05:00

and one more thing. jonathan jacob walker pretty much the best person in this galaxy.

05.17.2007 - The moon is our pocket watch.
Behold, the forest is blooming. The new summer is approaching us. The water is warm, the air is crisp and the apples are fresh (and crisp as well). Three of me best mates and I are currently working on our new album in the far west regions of New America. I have the whiskey, one has new shoes, one has the moustache and one has the blues. I might have lost my mind but I have found my soul. You might have heard our songs but you haven’t heard our goals, world domination, beginning with the north and moving down along the map. Wait steadily, as you would on Christmas morning. Presents will come and breakfast is the best. If you understand this message then you figured out my phone number. Call me, we will make a plan.
- Jonathan Jacob Walker - 09.17.1985

ive probably tried ten billion times to figure it out and ive failed consistently.
it bums me out. a lot.

lonely

2008-08-09T12:08:00.002-05:00

so, ashley's gone to milwaukee for the state fair all week. and im pretty bummed about it, even though we've been texting good night and good morning and have a fun shower to each other.
we had vacation bible school this week at my church, and i helped out because i absolutely love kids. i had so much fun. every day id be like 'who wants to sit by me!?!?' at dinner and stuff and on monday all i got was crickets, haha. but after i talked to the kids and made friends w/them a million hands raised for the rest of the week. they loved me a lot. my group was really adorable and we had lots of group hugs. there were seven kids and we never had a consistent adult to help us so i was their only official leader. yesterday i only had three kids so we kinda bonded even more. it was pretty awesome tbqh.
but those two things leave me pretty lonely today.
im going to lunch w/tai and her sister in like an hour so im excited for that, but it doesn't really solve my problem cause i talk to tai all the time. haha. i have a super hard time talking on the phone and over the internet, guys. i get super self conscious and idk why. but this girl for some reason is the only person other than my parents who i feel comfortable talking to over the phone. so ive talked to her like everyday this week and she's saved me a little.

but the point of this entry is that idk why, but no matter how many people are around me or how much fun im having i feel super lonely inside.
like, im not depressed or anything. i know that. but im just not really super close to anyone and it makes me pretty sad. i dont have anyone in my life that i feel free sharing absolutely everything with. im a big secret keeper. even w/my mom, who is probably the person im closest to. i cant tell her everything. all my feelings, all my desires, all my needs, hopes, and dreams because she's crazy judgemental and i dont think she understands me very well.
i guess i don't have anything to complain about because i know people who've got straight out shitty lives, you know? my life is great, really, i don't have any problems at all and i feel so selfish when i talk about the things that aren't quite right.
but i know that its not good to keep them in. so all ive got to say is that i wish i had someone to be really open with. someone who i could hold close and tell everything to. someone who would tell me everything about themselves. we would solve problems together and idk. i wish i was close to someone physically, too. just casually, you know? nothing serious or demanding, but closeness, in every way.
i guess thats it. =]

one day, robots will cry

2008-08-04T22:54:00.003-05:00

so my dad and some of his airplane loving family journey'd up to oshkosh for the fly in or w/e. they saw airplanes from wednesday-sunday. i do not like airplanes, so i did not go.
while he was gone, my mom and i did a lot of shopping and idk, girl bonding stuff. you know how it is. on saturday we ventured up to johnson creek to the big outlet mall. we went to a few stores, but we got tired pretty fast. i got this from zumiez and a green tank and checkered blouse-y top thing from rue 21. i also found these red skinny jeans for like $20. they were perfect and i even fit into a 3 instead of a 5. =] that made me happy, but i didn't get them because they weren't exactly the right color and i didn't want to buy too much because the shoes i want are like $90 and i dont want to spend billions of dollars on clothes.
oh! btw they're opening an american apparel store in madison! im super excited because its right on state street and close to ragstock and now we'll have a reason to go to madison more often.
also, we went to kohls and i found this dress on the clearance rack for $10 that just happened to be my size and i tried it on and didn't like it very much. w/e. but my mom was like. OMG YOU MUST HAVE THAT ILOVEIT. she started talking about how i needed to 'stop dressing like a boy' and about how i didn't like it only because she liked it. she says stuff like that a lot, its never true, and we didn't end up buying it. idk. she's really stubborn. we sorta bonded over it though because she told me a bunch of stories about how shy i was as a child and how im not easily indimidated by her and its so weird because my brothers definitely were, but they were really outgoing children and im the opposite because im really driven and stubborn like her but im kinda shy in some situations. i always win arguments. and she also said that she likes who i am a lot but she wishes that she understood me more and that i really 'threw her for a loop' and stuff like that. it was kinda nice. then she went to the bank or something and i stayed in the car and had a staring contest with a little boy in the car next to me. when he was leaving he waved at me and i waved back. it was cute. =]

and omg! on saturday our neighbor down the street called us and was like, 'time to lock all your windows and doors and turn lights on. there's a robber lady in the field.' apparently, this lady robbed some people a few blocks away and ran away from the cops in her car, but she came to the dead end of our street and got out of her car and ran. she was actually super close to our house. i was scared shitless. the police got her and told us that there had been a lot of robberies like this near us and to keep on a lookout. and i am pretty terrified about it.

so. i guess that's it. i got the cool kids' the bake sale and i like it a lot. =]

things

2008-08-01T00:23:00.007-05:00

so i saw mamma mia today w/my mom. i liked it. thought it was really fun and funny. my mom cried a whole lot. said it was the 'mother and daughter thing' and that i would never realize how much i meant to her. i 'aww'ed a lot and she cried some more and it was pretty nice. <3>

in other news, I MUST HAVE THESE. THEY ARE THE SHIT. NO LIE. also the glamour kills shake shimmy etc. shirt and an 'alive' shirt from twloha. and also EVERYTHING by goodie two sleeves. haha they are the coolest. idk though because we're not really credit card people but we've been charging more lately and my mom wants to stop that so there probably wont be many internet purchases for a while. i'll just have to go to zumiez and hot topic etc and make due. w/e. school's coming up so now's the time to get new things while she's more lenient.

oh shit

2008-07-27T15:31:00.004-05:00

I am so shaken right now. I get on the computer to find some good guitar tabs, and get this instead.
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/news/general_music_news/chiodos_frontman_attempts_suicide.html

Craig Owens, frontman of Chiodos and Cinematic Sunrise, attempted suicide by overdosing. Just FOUR days after I saw him at Warped. I can't believe it. I just... I don't know. I thought he looked so happy then. I used to comment on how depressed he would act, and joke about it. But after Warped, I told my sister, "I'm glad Craig seems to be happier these days." But now, seeing how serious it still was, even then... I'm just... really upset. I <3 you Craig. please get better.

yeah, great. and then his face shows up on the cover of AP less than a week later. aaah. good job. -sad-

[editt; so today (monday) i was checking up on purevolume and saw that motion city soundtrack was co headlining with chiodos a tour soon. not only was i like 'holy shit these are two of my most favorite bands i must be there' (then found out that its not near me but there's a date earlier that's just mcs), i also thought 'haha, interesting choice. sounds like fun' but the most important thought was, 'will craig be okay for that?!?! is this before what just happened!?!' so idk. that's just an update.]

the dark knight and other things

2008-07-24T21:18:00.004-05:00

haha, one of my friends on livejournal said omg the dark knight kicked my ass! and i agree completely! i saw it on sunday and aah it was amazing. i dont really have a review because i guess nothing i really have to say is different from what i've heard being said. all the acting was completely amazing, fuck i miss heath ledger so much. i really really liked the music, of course, because if hans zimmer has anything to do with it, its amazing. there's a lot i could say, but any more would be too much. i just really really liked it, a super great movie. =]

oh yeah, in other news, i bought a dino shaped sandwich cutter at target! there's a reason that store is my favorite thing ever. =] this thing not only cuts the crust off your sandwich, it cuts it into two dino shaped peices!! i am so excited.

and i had a kinda scary dream last night about the ap tour. ashley & i went back in time to the show and everything turned out so differently. at least justin was still there. first we went backstage and met a bunch of band members, but i was too scared to talk to any of them (of course), then we went back to watch the show and a bunch of weird and different stuff happened but the worst part was when the rocket summer was on. i think at this point the dream ran into a dream about the movie i watched a couple weeks ago. all of a sudden, the building was a huge cathedral church/boarding school and we all had beds for some reason. then we were in the front row of the crowd and this little girl came up and stabbed bryce. she had pigtails. and i cried a lot because bryce ended up dying and i ran backstage to tell everyone that he was dead. everyone started panicking but forever the sickest kids was busy having a midieval battle with unicorns an knights and stuff, and whoever was playing the king (jonathan, i think) told me to go get the girl and bring her to him because she was the spawn of the devil or something and he was going to give her an exorcism and throw her out of the kingdom. so i ran back into the room and got the girl by her wrists and she was totally freaking out. she bit me. but then she disappeared and there was a tornado and we all had to hide in the brick part of the place, which was now a hotel and no longer a church and i hid with shawn harris and, idk thats all i remember. but omg my mind must be retarded because wtf where did that crazy dream come from!?

oh dang

2008-07-19T13:10:00.004-05:00

justin san souci is no longer a member of the matches.
how will we ever live without him!?!

oh and one more thing.
travis mccoy needs to dump katy perry
and realize im the only katie worth dating. haha!

SO

2008-07-17T00:45:00.002-05:00

so today was my toe surgery.
it wasn't really a big deal.
but i was terrified.

surgery is definitely my greatest fear.
i sometimes like hospitals, depending on the reason for attending and which one im attending.
i don't like our hospitals because they are pretty old and smell horrible, plus they are horrifying when im the reason for being there. luckily they're building a totally new, state of the art hospital that will be nice and comforting to me.
and things like needles and blood dont freak me out as much as they used to, sometimes yes but usually not.
its the anticipation and aftermath of surgery that scares the shit out of me.

i know i was really freaking out in the waiting room because i was hyper-sensitive to sounds and my vision was not steady [maybe because i forgot to put my glasses on, idk], plus i was shaking pretty badly. i almost broke down when i was waiting in the operating chair for the doctor, but i couldn't let myself do that. there were some machines that i really did not like and seeing all the shiny sharp metal tools stacked up was not comforting.
but when the doctor came in i started to calm down. i really like the podiatrist i see because he's a really casual, laid back guy, and that scares me a little. idk how to explain it, but he's not too intimidating and not too comforting. a little cold but also really caring and nice. a perfect balance. he and the amazing nurse he works with always have a wierd effect on me. idk how to explain it, but it works.
so he numbs up my toe and, thank god i have a pretty high pain tolerance, because the nurse is like, 'wow, most people really need help with this, but you always do so well with the shots.' and my mom is like 'yeah, shes a trooper.' which is a saying i dont really like, but i guess it sorta fits me because i dont like giving up, and i know that after the anesthetic, everything will be okay. but then the doctor brings out the fucking touniquet and puts it around my toe so that it won't bleed as much. that was probably the worst part of the whole thing, the name itself scares me. i cant describe how much i do not like those little rubber tubes. ugh.
but after that, i guess everything was pretty good. i like watching the actual operating part of surgery. i'd rather watch it than not watch it because i like knowing what's going on. i feel more in control if i can see what is happening. im scared when im not watching it because im not prepared for anything to go wrong, it puts me into a false sense of security. my mom says i've always been like that.
after it was over, [it only took like 20-30 minutes], the only other thing that scared me was him telling me to back next week and the possibility of complications. i haven't had any pain, which i think is really wierd, but im trying not to worry about it

other than that, i bought the cab's album today and painted a picture of an alligator on a storm cloud thinking about a headless giraffe that didn't really make sense. right now i just need to sleep.

so

2008-07-15T21:40:00.007-05:00

today i painted some sets with my mom and mrs. schrank, sorta. we primed some wood, not a big deal. it only took a few hours. but after we were done, we had this cool little discussion about my mom's life, about mrs. schrank's life, about children, about my life, about a lot of people's lives, about integrity, about relationships, about a lot of other things. it was pretty great. i've never liked this lady too much, and she interrupted my mom a lot, but its okay because she shared a lot of her life with us and i have more respect for her now. i realized that all people are inherently good, some are just troubled and dont know how to show it. i also learned a few things about myself that weren't really important but nice to know.

idk, i love discussing things. its a pretty natural thing for me to tell people what i think. even if i don't really know what im trying to say, even if i want to hold it from them, even if they wont like it or they'll disrespect me or think im dumb for it, i want everyone to understand how i feel. i'll find a way to let them know. however, i guess i dont really have a lot of strong opinions on big issues. i have a lot of thoughts, but never any final descisions.
and thats just how it is.

=]

tomorrow is my toe surgery.
i dont wanna say im scared because its not a real surgery or anything.
its fucking toenail surgery. who cares.
plus ive pretty much done it before.
but im still pretty freaked out about it.
yeah, you could say im scared.
because surgery is fucking terrifying.

wish me luck, =/

[editt; happy bday ray toro! i actually remembered]

back from camp!

2008-07-14T00:20:00.004-05:00

so im back from camp.
i guess i won't really talk about it because, idk, its a lot of inside jokes and stuff that you wouldn't get unless you were there. its a really great place. and i dont even care that its 'church' camp because it doesn't really feel like it. i mean, yeah there's a whole lot of singing and praying and all that, but when you get past that and get to campfire and start making friends in your cabin its so amazing. like, the mood is constantly set on 'love'. everyone there cares about each other and is completely open and, aaah its so great.

we had skit night on thursday. my cabin did 'celebrities come to camp' and i was michael jackson, haha it was so much fun. a bunch of people came up to me and were like, "do you do acting? because you totally should! you were so funny today." and i was like, aww yeah i do i love to act. if my michael jackson act is the only thing people remember me for, im totally cool with it because i had a lot of fun.

idk, i guess thats all i have to say. i don't want to get sad remembering all the other good stuff, and its not like anyone wants to hear it that badly. =X if for some dumb reason you're bored and would like to know about juice's kilt, jeff's broken heel [and apparently me being depressed], pokemon skits, chickoREE, or anything else go ahead and ask.

but one thing i need you to do is look up ethan keller.
just go to www.ethankeller.com because he is my favorite person in the world right now and really deserves the attention. he taught me how to moonwalk for my michael jackson impression, taught me some self defense/taekwondo skills, knows what the word 'kaplowawow' means, wears corduroy pants, knows how to play like ten million instruments, looks like jon walker at the present [looked like jesus last year], wears mirrored sunglasses, writes great music, and was the only other person at camp who liked beck!
that man can do no wrong. =]

yay

2008-07-05T13:28:00.005-05:00

omg. i saw hancock on wednesday and it was more amazing than i couldve imagined!! aah. the storyline was great. i thought i knew what was going to happen but it completely blew me away!! it was way different than any superhero movie i had ever seen and ugh it was just amazing!!! i did cry towards the end for a few different reasons, but im okay with that because it was totally worth crying about. there were maybe one or two little things that i would've liked to see more of, but the story was great and the acting was great and aah i loved it a lot. i want to talk about it so bad, but i dont want to give it away, so i'll stop, but it was marvelous!!

the only thing that sucked was my parents being dummies like they always do at movies. my mom was asking me questions the whole time because i guess she didn't really get it, and my dad was trying to be cool and telling me when he noticed weird things like, 'oh they have a past together dont they!', 'oh man i totally saw that coming'. like, ugh, really?! i noticed that too, a long time ago, please shut the hell up kthnx. they did that at wall-e, too. =/
my dad likes to discuss movies after we see them. im cool with that and all, i love discussions, but there's a point where i want to stop talking about it and just think about it, you know? i like keep my thoughts to myself a little. but, idk, thats just my dad i guess.

ugh. i bought some lemonade from some girls across the street and it does not make my tummy feel good. i will not buy anything from them again. ehh.

one more thing. if i haven't already said this, im going to be gone next week to camp. im leaving tomorrow and won't be back until next sunday. so, yeah. that's that. toodle-oo. =]

movies

2008-07-02T00:25:00.000-05:00

today i saw the love guru with my cousin. i wasnt too excited about it because idk, it just didn't seem like it would be that good. it ended up being okay though. the best part about it was kanye west's appearance, fo sho. 'omg! i love hockey!' anyway, it wasn't too bad. the difference between me and my cousin is that she laughed at all the funny jokes and really didnt catch many of the sex jokes, while i didn't really laugh at any of the funny jokes but i cought all the subtle stuff. i guess that makes me a real pervert, huh? haha.

i also saw wall-e this weekend. it was incredible! i cried a lot, it was so great. but then again, i cry at every movie i see. i cried watching a fucking pokemon movie last week. ugh. everyone needs to see that movie though. i dont know how to describe it without giving anything away, but it was amazingg. =]

ive been talking about this for a while now but i still cant wait for hancock!! it comes out tomorrow and i am so excited i cant stand it. will smith is my favorite actor by far and i know this movie is going to be great. i'll probably cry.

ill stop here because ive got to sleep so i can wake up early for my hair appointment tomorrow. i think im just getting a trim and maybe some richer brown lowlights or something. idk.

i would like to live in baltimore

2008-06-27T21:45:00.005-05:00

so this week we found out that my dogs and cats have fleas. =[ i am very sad for them. not only because they are itchy and stuff, but also because my mom has gone crazy. she vacuumed all of them today and combed them every time they went outside. she bought all kinds of medicine and a spray for the house. so now we have to move all the furniture, vacuum every inch of every room of the house, and spray this spray in all the places where fleas would be hiding. i mean, i guess it's all for the best, but im not looking foroward to it.

other than that, nothing is really going on. i rented and watched 'death at a funeral' and 'eagle vs. shark' a few days ago. they were both pretty good. eagle vs shark was a little slow paced, but it was still cute and funny. death at a funeral was absolutely hilarious! i love peter dinklage, he's one of my favorite actors. i thought the story was great and very well excecuted.
haha, i also caught 'snakes on a plane' on tv earlier this week. idk what to say about that movie, really. it was kinda dumb and not very scary [unless you're indiana jones] but i still enjoyed it. who doesn't love samuel jackson? i was so excited when the song and video [you know cobra starship w/will beckett and travis mccoy] came on during the credits. i was planning on watching it anyway, but they were one step ahead of me!

ive also had some pretty crazy weird dreams this week. one was about my mother and it felt like a horror movie. we went to the hospital for something and i think she had some surgery. after that, whenever she got mad, even if it was a tiny thing, she would murder whoever made her mad. it was pretty graphic and i really did not enjoy it. it was in black and white btw, except blue was the only color that appeared.
one of the others was really confusing. it was about a group of kids in some spaceship world, like the deathstar from starwars. it was from one of the kids points of view, but it wasn't mine. they went to some sporting event and, after it was done, one kid had this vision that told him to spraypaint something on the wall. well, he did and the law enforcement went batshit. he escaped from them and the whole dream was just him running and hiding from the police. idk...
i also had some others, but i only remember fragments.

so, luckily, this week is pretty much over. i hope the craziness stops soon!

[editt: also, i fell in love with jeff from ace of cakes (on foodnetwork) yesterday]

shit day

2008-06-25T21:28:00.003-05:00

its crazy hard to focus right now because im listening to forever the sickest kids and i'm hyper as fuckk.
but this is a really long entry anyway. =]

anyway, yesterday was not a fun day at all.
i had to get up early in the morning to go to midas car place because they're fucktards and messed up our car. that wasnt a big deal but we got out of the house late and my mom was kinda pissed.
so the first thing that happened was, i was putting on makeup on my moms bed, watching spongebob of course, and i felt this thing on my arm and looked at it and OMG IT WAS A FUCKING TICK. you have no idea how scared i was about that. i ran downstairs screaming and freaking the shit out. it hadn't bitten me yet, it was just holding on so it was easy to get it of but ticks are like my greatest fear next to murder and surgery, cause they have eight legs and are in the spider family, but they are a thousand times more nasty and can give you deadly diseases. i found one on my ear when i was sitting on the same place on that bed before. why were they in the house?! omg i thought those things lived outside! god damn.
so after that ordeal, we left late to get to the car fixin place and this woodchuck runs out in the middle of the road. its just trottin a long and we were swerving all over to try to avoid it. luckily we didn't hit it, but we did see other dead animals, including a bat, in the road. =[ idk how a bat got into hitting range but it was there. it was a sad day for small mammals in j-town, that made me really sad.
then, we got to midas car fixers and decide to hang out there instead of getting the shitty rental car and having to fill up the gas tank. we were waiting like normal people for a few hours, playing hangman and stuff [my mom was so uncreative] and the guys like, 'well, theres a problem, hokay? we gotta take this thing out because its rusted to the other thing we had to take out, hokay?' etc. we walked over to the mall to pass the time, and that was okay [oh btw ashley, i tried on those super skinny jeans and did not enjoy them. like, it took me years to get them on and my thighs were oxygen deprived for hours after. i think i'll be sticking to normal skinny jeans tbh]. when we walked back, and after sleeping for a couple more hours, the guy comes out again and is like, 'hokay, so what we put in was the wrong size and we need to order another one, hokay? you should go home and come back tomorrow, hokay?' he was annoying and real douchebag-y. so we took the rental car home. [they called us today because the next new thing they ordered was the wrong size and they had to change it again. we ended up paying like twice as much as we would've otherwise]

so, idk, i suppose there wasnt a lot of bad stuff that happened, but it was crazy boring and sad and just a not fun day. i hope tomorrow is more fun and that i can find someone to babysit me on saturday so i can have some fun and not have to spend tenthousand hours in the car on the way to eau claire. =]

so i got 'tagged'

2008-06-24T20:50:00.004-05:00

two children [cory and i_am_phenomenon] tagged me for this silly little game. so i guess ill do it.

the rules
1. link the person who tagged you
2. state the rules in your blog
3. tell 6 quirks about yourself
4. tag 6 other bloggers
5. leave a comment on each of their blogs stating that they have been tagged.

six quirks
1. everything scares me
2. i fingerpaint on a regular basis
3. my personality is inherently conflicting
4. i often write letters that i don't plan on sending
5. i usually skip the number nine when counting to ten, but its one of my lucky numbers
6. i constantly have ideas for stories, songs, and drawings in my head, but they rarely make it to paper

six kids
aww i have no friends on blogger besides ashley =[
i'll tag some kids who like the same things i do.
[psh yeah right like i have the balls to talk to random strangers,
maybe the reason that my only blogger friend is a real life friend, you never know...]
if i did end up tagging kids, i'd tag:
chris
ely
kristi
ada potata
amy
and idk i couldnt find anyone else cool so i quit.
w/e who really cares anyway?

elitism

2008-06-14T23:10:00.005-05:00

so today i went to my friends dance recital. she was really good, but i didn't like the atmosphere of the place. like, when i was a dancer, things were so much different. my teacher must've been evil mchigh-standard pants because she set the bar super high. these kids were good and everything, but the costumes, the songs and the staging weren't what i was expecting. it's just a different style i guess, but who am i to judge, you know?

well, my mom thought she could judge all she wanted. she pulled the show apart...ripped it to shreds. i mean, i don't think she was rude about it, but she couldn't stop talking about how much lower the standards are here and how things are so mediocre here, this could've been better, "that wouldve never happened in mrs. betty's show" etc etc.
i didn't like that at all. like, it's cool if you don't like something, but you don't need to beat into the ground how much better you've done it. that's not constructive to me. it made me realize how much of an elitist attitude my parents have toward everything. they approach a lot of things with predisposed notions about how they should be, and if things don't exceed expectations, they were shitty or unorganized...or whatever.
i don't like the attitudes my parents have about anything, even towards each other. they are extremely contradicting in everything they say. i'll keep the examples short. my mom expects my dad to do things for himself because he's the man of the house, yet she talks about how she 'wears the pants' and doesn't like him taking part in things and hates the traditional family picture of the self-sufficient man w/simple, happy wife. my dad hates when my mom tells him what to do, but when she doesn't tell him what to do, he does nothing and waits around for her to make a decision. ugh! i just wish that they could see that they both have faults and could make a compromise about things. they're both good people, but they can't see the whole picture and the little details. they see one or the other...and it bothers me a whole lot.

i've been thinking about that for a while, and needed to get it out. thanks for listening. =]

holy shit [this is long, but please read!]

2008-06-10T21:39:00.007-05:00

today we went to a bunch of places. actually, yeah, we've been traveling a whole lot the last few days.
anyway, we were on our way back from rockford, right? when SHOOM!! these two motorcycles come flying past us at like 80-90 mph, weaving in and out of cars and whatnot. i'm like, those kids are going to get themselves killed. some car is going to be turning a corner and they wont have enough time to stop. i swear to god the loser of that race is not going to lose because his bike wasn't fast enough, he's going to lose because he's too busy being spread out all over the concrete.

not even two seconds after i said that, we hear a screeech and one motorcycle ride off into the distance, not two. we pull up on this intersection and i'm freaking out because there's pieces of motorcycle all over the road. i'm like, holy shit, oh my god. people are getting out of their cars and there's this truck in the middle of the road. then we see the kid. he's down on his back, no shoes, teeny tiny pieces of motorcycle are everywhere. i wanted to get out so badly, i wanted my parents to do something. i even said it, like, we should get out you guys and help him. and my dad says no. ugh. within minutes the police arrive, and a few minutes after that, the firetruck [wtf?], but no paramedics. they check if he's breathing, and that's it...no one gives him cpr or anything beyond a hand on his chest. then the police man told all the cars to turn around and go the other way. i couldn't believe it. he'd hit the truck that was in the middle of the road. the truck was turning, and the kid didn't have time to stop. he hit the topper of the truck, which broke and flew off the truck. his bike disintegrated instantly. idk if he was dead, but sure as hell no one cared about saving him that much. idk, i don't feel guilty, but i cant help thinking that he did exactly what i said he would. aah.
i can still see him laying there, motionless on the street. he's the only thing i've seen for the last half hour.

i've got three thoughts on this, if the kid turns out to be dead.
a: natural selection in action, you know? at least now he won't teach any kids to ride fast motorcycles and may have saved a life or two, in the end.
b: how's the other kid going to feel? he just took off, idk if he even knew that this other kid got hit. he was probably thinking about how proud his girlfriend would be that he won. i'd rather be the loser in that situation. think about the guilt he's going to feel for the rest of his life. i know i wouldn't be able to handle it.
c: no matter how reckless, irresponsible and immature he was riding his bike at 304823048 mph, he was possibly having the most fun of his life when he died. he didn't care about anything else at that moment but the adrenaline in his veins, the wind on his face, how free he felt. this could be a good thing or this could be a horrible thing, you know? like, his family/friends/whatever are going to have to deal with his bad decisions for the rest of their lives. was it worth it?

- - - edit - - -
the kid ended up dying. heard it on the news the other day. he was actually a 35 year old guy with a wife and two kids.

ew

2008-06-06T23:06:00.004-05:00

so i saw kung fu panda today.
i thought it would be really funny with an interesting plot, like shrek maybe.
i think i laughed once. and it was totally predictable. ugh. >:[
still can't wait for hancock though. will smith <3

where i'm from

2008-06-02T22:59:00.004-05:00

so this is the poem i wrote for my english class.
it's inspired by george ella lyons' 'where i'm from'.
umm, idk, i had a lot of fun writing it, its organized as different stages of my life. i guess it only really makes sense to me, though.
and i really hate the last line, so ignore that please. =]

i’m from early morning rises
and all day in the car
from best friends and boyfriends
with the same last names
from jealousy, pride, and a fear of failure

i’m from the marching band
and a marriage proposal
from dinosaurs and cloud-patterned walls
from bunk beds, tears, and autistic children

i’m from harry potter and unfair punishment
from snow, kickball and rainy day recess
from fear, laughter, and friendship

i’m from fuzzy key chains, “staying alive” and sleepovers
from spelling wizards and riding the short bus
from samurai jack, tortellini, and courage the cowardly dog

i’m from a tornado watch and “build me up, buttercup”
from the wrong trousers and the right books
from the bat cave, the library, and the sneetches

i’m from my chemical romance
and the inevitable heartbreak
from short hair vs. long hair
and holidays at china palace

i’m from questions, from answers
from green face paint and the abc’s
i’m from birthday cakes and rain
from swing sets and the strong bond between friends

i’m from love and from hate
nieces, nephews and brothers in jail
from valentines day and halloween
these are the things that made me

fishing buddies/fake marriage

2008-05-28T22:42:00.002-05:00

so, i rented brokeback mountain the other day, because i realized that i hadn't seen that yet, and it had been bothering me for a while. it was good. i guess i wouldn't say that it was amazing, it had it's flaws, but i still cried my fucking eyes out at the end. god damn! i knew it was going to end like that! it didn't help knowing that heath ledger's not alive anymore, either. ugh.
my mom didn't really like it. she kept going on about how jack was a playa and how he was taking advantage of poor ennis. i guess i see where she got that, but idk, it was deeper than that, a lot deeper. all in all, good movie.

- - -

also, i watched mr. and mrs. smith tonight. i rented that one, too. it's kind of a dumb movie, i don't know why i like it so much. i mean, even though it's completely unrealistic, you have to admit how hot brad pitt and angelina jolie are totally makes up for it. plus, i have this insatiable need for action movies, and that'll hold me over for a while. and, haha, i was listening to mayday parade's 'champagne's for celebrating (i'll have a martini)' today. oooh.

i really like movies, thank god for blockbuster gift cards. =]

haha i love the renaissance fair

2008-05-18T20:53:00.003-05:00

okay so the best part about the renaissance fair at my town is robin hood and lil' jon's 'seven deadly sins' variety show.
first, it's hilarious! they are so funny, and it doesn't even seem like they're trying, the show is different every time, but always just as funny because half the time, they're making it up as they go.
second, it's extremely raunchy. it's crazy the kinds of jokes they can make! they sing a song about fucking a moose, and say, 'parents, if you're children are laughing harder than you are at any of our jokes today, they learned it in public school, and it's not our fault.'
third, robin hood looks exactly like dave grohl. maybe a couple pounds heavier, but he makes up for it by wearing tights. mmm. =] oh and this year they added something about being gangstas in their show. like, they sing one of their songs, then they rap one of the verses and they're like 'THATCH THE ROOF, THATCH THE ROOF YO!!!' and it's perfect 'cause the one guy's name is lil' jon. haha. i always think that the renaissance fair is going to be extremely lame, but they totally make it all better.

i got some nasty sunburn though, which isn't much fun.

gross

2008-05-14T16:03:00.004-05:00

friday and friday night i really felt like shit. =[ fever, achey, cough etc. carried over to saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday, today, and probably until the end of the week. it was pretty much the flu without the stomach problems. i went to the doctor on monday, which was a bad idea i guess, because he was a complete dumbass who didn't know what he was talking about. i mean, he was nice, and he knew what he was doing, but all he said was that it might be mono and i'll probably have it until the end of the week. if it doesn't get better by then, i'm supposed to go back and they'll test me for mono and strep throat.
today it's gotten much better, i've been coughing like crazy, but other than that i have no symptoms. i'm hoping it will be better soon because i rarely ever get sick and it sucks times a lot.

idk why you need to know this

2008-05-05T17:58:00.003-05:00

i'm in so much pain right now. i don't even know why. but it's all over and it feels pretty shitty. [haha that rhymed].
ouch. >:[ it's especially bad in my mouth/throat and lungs/organs around there. i have no clue what it is, but it feels like i'm being stabbed. ughh.

loong post

2008-05-04T20:34:00.008-05:00

so, last night i had what may have been the most vivid dream of my life. it's so hard to describe because i'm this close to believing that it actually happened and it's freaking the shit out of me. so, i was at the concert again w/ashley. we were watching forever the sickest kids. there were ten other kids there, maybe. my mom was there too, justin was not. the guy in ftsk who has a hair-straightening fetish and likes to wear headbands was magically the lead singer. this would be a lot easier if i knew their names, damn. anyway, he wasn't on the stage, he was down on the floor w/us and trying to make out with ashley. at least i'm pretty sure that's what he was doing. he had his mouth open and was like hitting her with his face...idk. she just bit his nose and he sang for her. lmao. then after their set we [we = me, ashley, ftsk, and a couple friends of theirs i think] were all hanging out in this house thing. i remember eating cheeseburgers with one guy who was definitely not in the band. oh, and we all took a bath together in their giant jacuzzi [of course].
i was extremely upset when i realized that it didn't actually happen. =[

- - -

today i saw iron man. it was a really good movie. but i guess i'm impressed by every movie i see, so it's not like it was amazing or anything. the whole 126 minutes, i was thinking about this guy i know. iron man = self-absorbed, charming, supergenious workaholic engineer turned mature/introspective charming supergenious workaholic engineer. and this kid = both +add. of course i already think about this kid 24/7 so i guess that doesn't say anything special other than i = obsessive hopeless romantic.

the people in the theater were also very interesting. there was this clan of super comic nerds a few rows ahead of us who WOULD NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! now, don't get me wrong, i love comic book nerds, but they need to learn how to shut their mouths when there are sane people present. they just ripped the movie apart and completely ruined it for me. there were also some of those elitist/ignorant rednecks who inhabit my retarded town. they were rocking out to the occasional black sabbath and ac/dc that played and just being overall retarded and loud. my dad's air guitar did not help either.
so i guess i'd give the whole experience a thumbs down.

- - -

one more thing. i finished the book i've been reading. it's called anthem of a reluctant prophet by joanne proulx. stupid name, i know, but that book plain out kicked my ass. seriously, it threw me for a fucking loop. other than the fact that i'm magical and could pretty much predict the ending, it was completely mind-blowing. another one to add to the embarassing list of books that have made me cry.
i bought a couple more books yesterday. [i love reading, if you couldn't tell]. they were reviewed in this magazine and looked really good, so i picked them up. one is lamb by christopher moore and the other is perks of being a wallflower. i forget the author for that one, but they both look real good. =]

if you read this whole thing, you must really be interested in the life of a stranger, or super bored. either way, you can have my soul. because you're awesome.

ap tour

2008-04-27T18:52:00.005-05:00

so thursday was the show that i went to w/ ashley. it was pretty kickass. this girl i know told me that some of her friends were going to be there, and somehow we managed to get in line right behind them. that was pretty cool. except it was raining when we were in line, and our um-ber-ella was too small. some cute guy tried to sell us cd's and some other guy gave all the kids in line free rockstar. me and ashley met this super cute kid justin who we hung out with all night 'cause we couldn't make any other friends [haha]. it was cool that he hung out w/us because he was probably 5+ years older. he's a musician and probably the coolest person i've ever met. i'm mad at myself for not getting a forever the sickest kids shirt because i liked their set the best. [album comes out tuesday!!] but i got a matches shirt because they're my favorite!! we almost got killed during their set, i saw a couple of girls faint and the guy who was in front of me was super gross so we hightailed it out of there when they were done. after that, ashley, justin and i just danced in the outer circle & stuff. i bought all time low's ep and some earplugs for my dad [lmao] and after the show justin played us some tunes on his guitar. =] oh yeah and the lineup was forever the sickest kids, the matches, the rocket summer, and all time low. pretty sweet.

[editt; also, i pretended to be in the conversation these kids were having with justin from the matches and that guy from ftsk. lmao i am so lame.]
- - -

today i was confirmed at my church. i don't like complaining, but it sucked major ass. i didn't like getting my picture taken 23094872309586 times, i didn't like making promises to god that i know i wont even try to keep, i didn't like the dress i wore, and i did not like my aunt. i never have. the only good thing about it was that my mom bought me a $50 itunes card because lmao i have no money. i bought:
-does it offend you, yeah?'s you have no idea what you're getting into
-saosin's saosin [finally!!!]
-gym class heroes' the papercut chronicles
-mgmt's oracular spectacular
-punk goes crunk compilation =]
-preordered ftsk's underdog alma mater

so, yeah. i'm pretty excited about that.

health class

2008-04-23T11:50:00.002-05:00

so i'm in health right now. we just finished writing our test about sex. it is the best test about sex that anyone will ever take...ever.
ashley's making a robot. alex is giving her hugs. mitchell is retarded.
oh dang i guess it's time for lunch.

tomorrow = concert. =]

yum

2008-04-20T19:40:00.003-05:00

i hope we eat that tortellini for dinner tonight. that would be so nice.

[edit; we didn't eat tortellini. what we did have was pretty nice, but not too filling. some cheap chicken/noodle/vegetable primavera type thing.]

backseat goodbye

2008-04-20T17:08:00.003-05:00

just ordered this last night. =] i'm excitedd.